L'arc~en~Ciel

pointless

2010-03-03T20:33:00.002+08:00

I am glad I am in the skies and not landbound.
people who are stuck on land, I pity. not by choice they have found themselves mired by inefficiency and stupidity. For those who purposefully chose to do so, I have nothing but shock and disbelief. Maybe they might change the situation? Not likely.

I am here for a brief moment.
When I can fly off, you can be sure
there will be no one faster off than me.
No wonder 'prison' is its metaphor.
May the gold of the air free me.

dinner

2010-02-24T23:32:00.002+08:00

first real formal dinner..guess i'm putting what I learnt during sec sch homec class to gd use after what..6 years? quite enjoyable really..minus the fact that I got arrowed during kangaroo court (game) and had to drink a glass.. pretty long affair.. a bit too formal..

most of the dudes are more than a little high..I suspect some are drunk.. haha.. I get quite dehydrated too quickly..genetics..need ta drink loads now..abit groggy despite downing some coffee after dessert..

Flights of fantasy

come take me on

a ride

joyful ride of the sky valkyries

above the dark waves of

the stormy seas

toss mere mortals

and then embracing them,

and teaching them to embrace

their mortality;

teaching them what it means to be

a sky valkyrie.

2010-02-24T11:04:00.003+08:00

things don't always go to plan sometimes..no matter how many times we rehearse for it. not saying that rehearsals are no gd though.. wish that life had a rehearsal sometimes. A little heads-up would be gd.. yeah, I know that there will be little surprises left..but is that too much to pay to avoid all the crazy pitfalls that life has in store for us?

If I knew what I knew today..life might be simpler..or maybe not. haha.. the intense thirst for knowledge and information is both the blessing and curse of my generation (or maybe its just me).

sometimes it better not to know..even better to not know that you do not know (hence there's no thirst).

along this journey, dreams have been shattered, hopes dashed and hurt and despair being administered in alternative doses. but at the same time, I've had more joy and love than I have ever known. things appear messy now, with all of us fighting our own fires and going through our own private craziness..but there is an inner bond that cannot be that easily destroyed. I miss you guys..

I can't sleep so..

2010-02-19T01:42:00.004+08:00

Was reading the past entries..The years have really gone by. I kinda feel old sometimes. Especially now. I miss those days of carefree youth, creating havoc and causing trouble to no end - with little or no consequence. (comparatively anyway) Its been awhile since I really blogged; typed letters, words, to my heart's content. I miss this too.

The soothing clack of the keyboard, and clean letters that puncture this otherwise white space provides a modicum of catharsis; of expression. (Art therefore, is catharsis) many things have happened the last six months or so. (uncompiled due to severe negligience on my part)

Its nearing the end of AFPT and it just a few more weeks of administratives before the glimmer of gold manifests. Life in camp has been like a passing dream; surreal, unreal. I wake up only on Friday nights.

But the reason for this late night entry(-ries) is due to (as the post title suggests) a self-induced, emotional insomnia. Hopefully, typing would have the same effect as a sleeping pill.

Working really leaves too little time for the self. I miss Megan. I miss Alex. I miss Eugene. I miss college life (I can't believe I said it). Megan's in uni now, getting her brains fried by the intensive workload famous of SMU. Alex is going through a rough patch trying to make ends meet and solve some RS probs.. Gene is trying his best to keep fit and not burn out. I have just had a major situation with my dear eu.

Megan, I wish we had a constant starbucks schedule. I miss those times when we could just rush down to starbucks @ siglap impromptu. How have you been? I know it feels like I've been avoiding you ever since that time.. I know you don't like me to keep apologising, so let's go starbucks this weekend? my treat!

(yawn.. gd, its working)

Alex, I know I can be quite slow in answering/replying yr calls/smses. Sorry! I wish I had more time to just sit down and chill with you, and talk abt the possible futures and freudian theory.

Euge my man, what can I say.. Need to update you but we're finding it increasingly difficult to get time. Thanks for dinner on tuesday evening though, its been awhile..

I'm sorry, my dear..for hurting you the same way again. forgive me?

castles

2010-02-19T00:34:00.002+08:00

weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5

The Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.”
Numbers 6:25–26

You have granted me life and favour, and Your care has preserved my spirit.
Job 10:12

For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Psalm 103:4–5

‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’
Jeremiah 33:3

And God is able to make all grace abound towards you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8

I need alcohol.

2010-02-19T00:20:00.002+08:00

Why do I always have to go and shoot myself in the foot? That's just suicidal.

digging up stories, the stories of people's lives..inquisitive..curiosity killed the cat nine times over.

insanity brinks, on the edge..precariously on the edge. Must I lie to those I love? Lie, to protect them from myself? Am I a stalker?

Dread. It fills my entire soul at the moment. I feel so crushed. Crushed by my own madness..my own folly. Despair.

All I can hear is the sobs as the tears fall.

And all I can do is trust Christ to restore the ruins wrought by my own hands. Jesus, I really need you now.

Here I am.

2009-09-27T21:19:00.003+08:00

The weeks are passing by, one after another. Things are moving so quickly, too quickly sometimes.. I wish time could slow down once in awhile, so we can pause and take a breather before diving yet again under the waves of work and pack schedules that leave no space for ourselves until the weekend. Sometimes, there's no weekends.

Already, I'm specialising in my vocation. The pace quickens, the demands increase, and more is expected. We will perform or get dismissed. That is the nature of life: little room for mistakes. Two years is not a short time. I'm thankful all the support I'm getting. Without all of you - eugene, alex, nick, kenneth, megan and eunice - I would just be a shadow of myself today. A hollow. I'm coming to an edge. My life feels so empty sometimes.. you guys are God's gift to me, a gift of sanity amidst the craziness of the world.

Having mee pok for lunch with genius on Saturday, trying our hand at making choc souffle and playing a bit of dota.. these are the simple joys that I had with my best friend this weekend. It made my heart ache though, for the simpler days of before.. where we could have done that every day, every weekend.. all that freedom of youth, lost.. I wish I had time enough to do that with my other best friends too. So many things I wanna do every weekend, so little time..

God. In You I find rest. In you I find the strength to go on. You've given me so much, so much. By Your grace You save me all the time. You give me hope in all of this.

the pretzel broke.

2009-08-30T00:07:00.000+08:00

It is already too late.

haha, I'm so tired right now.. I don't know what's gonna happen next. whatever God wills it to be I guess. I have no more energy for things like love. Not for a very long time.
Girls don't like good guys.

It hurts.

twisted like a pretzel

2009-08-29T22:43:00.000+08:00

What do people do when they screw up? What do people do when they burn all their chances and all that's left is the smouldering ash of could-have-beens?

Move on. Do other things. Stop thinking and all that self-reproach. Subscribe to every available distraction. Friends. Family. Get a pet.

Yes, no, maybe?
I wish I knew what she's feeling, before its too late.
Although it kinda feels like that alr.
Or maybe I never had a real chance in the first place. Not even one in a million.

What was I thinking?
Blind & naive.
Hahaha, thinking like that, its really funny.. =)

"Must be joke."

Things to do (in order of first to last)

2009-08-29T08:21:00.000+08:00

1. driving license (~$4000)
2. camera (~$700)
3. gym (~$2000)
4. japanese classes (~$3000)
5. Form a jamming group (?)

Haha, I know, not the easiest things to do.. but the driving license is top priority.
The camera's for posterity.
The gym's for.. fun.
The Jap classes are for.. more fun.
The jamming group's for.. stress relief. haha

I got to stop being negative.. Like the negative film strip, I've been filtering light and making it go all wrong. In the end I just screw myself up. Its not merely being diplomatic.. its roots go far deeper than that.. Its a mindset change I need.

I gotta believe (even if the risk of getting damaged increases) that people mean well.. Stop thinking so much in negatives. I gotta be more like eugene in this. I hope I come out of this change alive.. and a better person. Thinking the worst of every person - Paranoia. Thinking the best of every person - naivety? how to find the right balance.. argh.. my head's killing me.. But I guess, being naive is better than living the life so negatively. Okay, time to change lanes.

God help me.

update

2009-08-28T18:59:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time..

Updates:
I signed on to be in the Air Force as a C3 officer. Just finished my Air Force Service Term (AFST) and am currently spending one of the last days of block leave for this year. Will be having my pro-term in AFTC at paya lebar.. at least its nearer than JK.. but still.. stay in.. =/

Its crazy I know.. there's a lot of things I don't really understand about myself. I'm discovering new boundaries and idiosyncrasies about myself everyday, and its like I'm looking at a total stranger sometimes.

I miss my freedom the most. I'm still dealing with it like most of my mates are.. Serving takes a lot out of us and its not been easy.. and its barely even half a year.

Not knowing where the wind blows I
will take my chances
and trust God to open paths that I never thought
possible. Because Faith is
like the desperate cry of those
who are lost and
confused,
hitting road blocks and
dead ends
for God to
do something only God can do.

The L word is forbidden starting from today.

2009-06-17T15:19:00.002+08:00

Quickly, slowly, phase one is over.

No regrets, except time.

Have I grown up?

"Not yet, not yet..."

Mocked.

2009-05-10T15:52:00.002+08:00

It is an irony.

The previous post goes unfulfilled, as God willed that I, be cast into the spotlight of obligation.
Weighed down heavily by responsibility, my mental back strains and breaks ever so slightly, ever so slowly.

Inevitable, that I drag myself from the depths of a hellish week to an oasis of a weekend. Before the storm. Before field camp.

Life is full of surprises, and I tell myself, this is exactly what I live for; that this is, in the end, a journey full of experiences - experiences that make my life interesting. Why then, am I chained to anxiety?

A moodiness overcomes my senses and I am left, robbed of time and bereft of rest. Perhaps my paranoia is unjustified. Or is it?

I feel like a caged bird.

"I have no rest, I have no say, and I long to be free one day."

I don't really want to.

2009-05-03T14:44:00.003+08:00

There are some days when I can't wait to get up, get out and get going. And then there are other days where I just...

Don't really want to.

There's no need for a reason. But lets say there is, and if there is, it would just be summarised as

MOOD.

or whim. or fancy. (and whatever else pleases you.)

Life would be nicely and quietly spent observing other people try, strive, succeed and fail. It would be the stories of their lives viewed like a motion picture, in real time - no cuts, no second takes. No risk, no risk at all. Just sit by, quietly, invisibly watching them with vapid interest like I would a monkey performing a trick.
Or tricks.

There is absolutely no need for me to do anything.

This week in the infamously unpredictable island East-North-East of the Red Dot, I give up smiling, joking, being obsessively cheerful and encouraging. It would be nice to withdraw once in a while.

Its time to just observe
and write.

First Confinement Over.

2009-04-27T11:11:00.004+08:00

So it came and went.

The PTI said, that BMT will be the best time in NS.
I don't think he was kidding.

Nothing bonds people as shared trials and experiences and maybe shared brainwashing. Forced. Forced to work together or die.

In dedication to the OO:

Sit still and listen to the
worn out
rank speak the same language
from a different era.
Do you hear the slight tremble of
his vocal chords?
The desperation in his eyes?
The elevated heart rate
transparent in his dilated eyes?

You can almost hear him
beg.
For our adoration.
What a decorated man.
Which museum does he belong to?

For myself:

Sitting in the bunk during night admin time
listening to all of them talk
of how they got accepted into this course
and that.
Depressing.
So I just curl into a corner between
the metal cabinet and metal bedframe.
Plug in the mp3 and take out the letters.
Read.
Hide.
Sleep.

Everyday begins with movement
while my brain shuts itself off
from all the thinking
the pondering
and all that's left is to
do
as I am told or otherwise
but nonetheless to
do
and
do nothing.

And so the days go by.
quickly.. slowly..

Its one of those days.

2009-03-27T23:48:00.003+08:00

Its one of those days when an epiphany hits. It is one of those instances when enlightenment tenderly embraces depression. Its bittersweet taste lingers still.. perhaps forever. An overwhelming hate and anger arises within me, threatening to burn and drown the perpetrators, the traitors, who had me like they would a whore, casually flinging me aside once they climax and release.

Have I been too obliging?

Why am I so weak-willed. Too spineless to take a stand when enough is enough. Always giving in, always pretending that everything is fine, always patiently playing the mistress, to be used and abused. A lesser human being. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I don't have to take all this shit from all of you. This ain't 1800-always-available-for-your-crap hotline. You bitches don't actually give a damn about me. All you care for is your fucking self with your fucking feelings and your bloody bruised egos. Its always about who made you upset, what made you sad, how you know the solution, how you don't have the spine to actually solve your own problems, you you you you and you. Always about you and your fucking needs. What makes you think I enjoy your fucking repetitive whining? Stop saying you don't know how to solve it. I'm a firm believer in God-given brains, so sit down and think about the fucking problem. Why keep running away? Why keep bitching about it when you're not taking constructive steps to actually resolve it? If emotions won't help you, cut it away and think logically. I can't believe why you choose to be so fucking stupid. I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy. So fuck off. Bitch.

When Shakespeare mentioned that Life was a stage and we're all actors, I don't think he was joking.
Especially about the acting part.

An informal essay on parties and hosting.

2009-03-21T16:20:00.005+08:00

I never liked parties with strange people. The atmosphere begins to feel forced. And everyone spends most of the evening sizing everyone else up, leaving no time for true camaraderie. So the most common thing to do is to form social cliques - cliques of people whom one knows, or have no difficulty labelling "agreeable" and "ingratiating" or perhaps "non-threatening". Few pursue a deeper connection. I think, perhaps, the worst is ending up at a party where the only person you know is the host himself. The feeling of being ostracised (perhaps not intentionally) and feeling awkward must pervade one's entire being, leaving one's psyche with the irrepressible desire to just "up and run".

The problems of hosting are numerous. One popular trend of thought is the larger the group, the more thought given to food and accommodation (i.e. space, seating). While on the other hand, the more diverse the group mix, the greater the need for social activities to break the ice and encourage a fair amount of interaction. It is not an understatement that the host makes or breaks a good party. That's why I kinda hate being one.

But this is also an essay on hosting so I'll get to it. One of the key responsibilities of a host is planning. Needless to say, the bigger and more complex the event, the more detailed and thorough the planning needs to be to accommodate the tastes, palates and social preferences of everyone. Outdoor, indoor, choice of cuisine, seating arrangements are essentially the most basic of every party. The trickier (and invariably more important) aspect of hosting is the burden of envisioning the social interactions of the party-goers. Whether group A will get along with group B not just depends on the individual's bias, but also on the availability of opportunities for a common understanding and a sense of mutual respect. Hosts often find that the most trouble-free way to determine compatibility is to sound out clique B to clique A and find out their opinions. Hence the idea is to NOT send invitations out en masse. Obviously clique A is invited first due to their superior rankings on the social ladder of the host as compared to clique B. If clique B is found to be incompatible, a few options are then available to prevent a social disaster at the party. The most obvious one is to NOT invite clique B. The second method is less brainless and a lot more difficult: a combination of the host putting in lots of good words for clique B, working on softening clique A's stance while cautioning either group about the other's sensitivities, and then exposing them to one another in a smaller setting (casual dinner) to let them get to know each other better. Most hosts find that the best way to increase the chances of a successful party is to ensure that everyone not only knows of almost everyone else but are comfortable with interacting, with the lee-way to not know of up to a maximum of 10% - 15% of the total attendence. (I mean, besides having a good time, parties are for getting to know people [better] after all, right?) Hence for large parties, hosts often find themselves working exhaustively months beforehand, building social networks from scratch, painstakingly resolving differences, slowly moving from small parties to ever-larger ones until the grand day itself. I will not delve into the cost of time and money here. The other crucial party-making/breaking responsibility of a host is to INTRODUCE different social cliques to one another. This cannot be emphasised enough. Introductions should never just stop at names. Even though the host knows that both cliques know of each other's existence, he should still make engaging introductions like

"Vittoria, meet Damien, he's my best friend - he's very enthusiastic about the outdoors and frequently participates in activities like kayaking and rock climbing. Damien this is Vittoria, she's my classmate from SMU, we shared the marketing module together - we were so bored that we took to writing random poetry. She's pretty good."

[they shake hands]

at this point, if your friends (or acquaintences) are sociable creatures, they will naturally albeit a little shyly pick up the conversation from there. Always introduce them in a positive light. Just... showcase them like you would an achievement. You score points with everybody, what's there not to like, or profit from?

If they are dumb (literally)
continue making small talk like,

"So Damien, I heard you went to Tasmania for an expedition.. what did you do there?"

[guy enthusiastically blabs about what he did]

Here, take note of Vittoria's interest level.
If she's bored, then it time to change the topic.

"Hey Vittoria, Damien might be crazy about the outdoors, but he's surprisingly good with the violin too.. amazing huh, I wonder where he finds the time to do it.. What's your secret Damien? Oh and, he can play that piece.. um.. what's it again? Vittoria, your favourite one?"

If they still don't click.. well, don't push it. From the above, its pretty clear the host needs to know quite a bit of their personalities and their interests, as well as the tact to deliver it fluidly and with grace. It is important for the host to spend a moderate amount of time with the people he is introducing to one another. This is to make the initial moments less awkward. After the appropriate introductions have been made, don't hover around like a worried mother hen. Plus, the host doesn't have that much time to spend with one pair when there are so many awkward silences all over the place (that's if the host failed to sufficiently build the social networks before this mega-party). However, never jettison your charges and jump to the next social introduction. Its rude, impolite and insincere. Always end politely, with a warm note.

"Hey, why don't you guys continue on without me? I need to go get something to drink. You guys want some?"

If they were smart, they would say no, and if the host is smart, he'll leave them alone for awhile even if they do say yes. After a certain point in the introductions, your guests will be eager to get rid of you. (duh. mother hen.) Of course, the above example was an easy and perfect little introduction that ended with spectacular success. On earth however, such instances are rare, unless one is among the most civilised of parties with the most civilised guests. Even then, it is not common. Its not uncommon for people to feel awkward when first introduced, but it is only acceptable after the host has made a reasonable attempt at bridging the cliques (which would usually result in less awkwardness and hopefully, more interest). Also, the observant (or the mathematical) would have noticed that if the host were hosting a party of more than 50 people, bridging all of them in the above way in a single night is theoretically close to impossible, unless there are some common links among them and a greater number of happy outgoing people who have no problem being sociable, or the party's theme is "Welcoming the dawn".

Oh the troubles of hosting parties and the even greater pain of being in ones that don't really make me feel like partying.. Actually, I think both are equally excruciating in its own perverse way. Oh well, for those who like to and probably survive on feeling connected to a massive amount of other people, my advice is this: start small, practice hosting and planning, before moving on to a namemaker/breaker event. Or alternatively, if you are rich enough, just keep throwing money at it. It works. If you throw it to the right places.. (duh, just pay for a party-planner)

PS: Please don't quote me without permission.
PSS: I'll probably draft some rough party ideas next. I'm excited.

hmm.

2009-03-11T21:08:00.003+08:00

She cries herself to sleep at night
with only the moon's sympathies
for her plight
which worsens everyday
a loneliness that never really
goes away
and all that breathes in her is
a choked sob as she
carefully applies her makeup
(stencilled eyeliner, dash of eyeshadow,
faint orange blush, smudgy lipstick)
every morning
carefully because
it is a thin thread of sanity
stretched taut in all its fragility.

-Japanese girl: Alone
Joshua

Go to the pine if you want to learn about the pine, or to the bamboo if you want to learn about the bamboo. And in doing so, you must leave your subjective preoccupation with yourself. Otherwise you impose yourself on the object and do not learn. Your poetry issues of its own accord when you and the object have become one - when you have plunged deep enough into the object to see something like a hidden glimmering there. However well-phrased your poetry may be, if your feeling is not natural - if the object and yourself are separate - then your poetry is not true poetry but merely your subjective counterfeit. Submerge yourself into the object until its intrinsic nature becomes apparent, stimulating poetic impulse.

Matsuo Basho

Infected by the invisibly microscopic. Pain no where and everywhere. Hot yet not a temperature, cold yet not a Cold. Hungry but strangely reluctant to eat.

Waking up today was a chore.

personality?!

2009-02-28T16:25:00.003+08:00

my goodness, look what I found on facebook - a personality test.

ad verbatim:

INTP

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

INTPs are quiet, thoughtful, analytical individuals who don't mind spending long periods of time on their own, working through problems and forming solutions. INTPs tend to be less at ease in social situations and the 'caring professions,' although they enjoy the company of those who share their interests. They also tend to be impatient with the bureaucracy, rigid hierarchies, and politics prevalent in many professions, preferring to work informally with others as equals. INTPs' extraverted intuition often gives them a quick wit, especially with language, and they can defuse the tension in gatherings by comical observations and references. They can be charming, even in their quiet reserve, and are sometimes surprised by the high esteem in which their friends and colleagues hold them.

true eh..

思います

2009-02-26T12:05:00.002+08:00

最近、平和や曇りの空です。　私の感じも奇麗な空です。

今日、私のpan-fried chickenとても美味しいです！
絶対成功！

ごめ、食べ物の写真ではありません．．．
写真は次です。

期待する！
じゃまた

2009-02-25T23:13:00.002+08:00

今日、cold storage　には食料品が買います。
私は料理の勉強とおもいます。
頑張れましょ！

Jaded.

2009-02-21T02:28:00.003+08:00

Sad.
disillusioned.
amiss.
confused.
upset.
guilty.
crushed.
distance.
shattered.
protect.
hide.
run.
escape.
disappear.
silence.
future.
hope.

need RAM upgrade

2009-02-16T03:26:00.002+08:00

Been trawling for lost memories..

I search in the murky depths of my mind, for the slivers of thought that still cling to them; items & the people they point to. Like the faded pieces of writing that lie around, slowly crumbling but crumbling nonetheless into dust. The fresh ink is fresh no more, and only the faint outline remains; only the traces of the once-clear memories linger.

The many dreams and the many shes, the smiles of hers.. all a fuzzy, static haze, sepia with time. Memories are graveyards sometimes.. graveyards of wistful could-have-beens. To be visited once a year on a random day, when sleep has hidden itself and the melancholic mood beckons.

I have chased so many, many dreams only to give them up halfway. A curse perhaps? A plague of perennial failure? Why is it, that what I want is not what I get, but that I hate what I become? A creature of comfort, of futility - is this me? Slack in the embrace of relative wealth, the man becomes a spineless vegetable. Where is my happiness?

Autumn Love

2009-02-12T10:22:00.004+08:00

A duet on a soft Autumn night, with the stars in the sky. Two hearts in rhythm, with the melody flowing gently, playing softly, connecting them. It is the way she smiles as she glances shyly at him, he concludes. His piano sings for him, of her and her smile. Her hands tremble lightly on the heartstrings of her violin in passionate vibrato. She blushes. There is something about his eyes; deep, eternal, mournful. Etched with Sorrow, the gift of Time. Yet a quiet smile plays lightly on his lips, and her heart melts... such were her thoughts as her violin sang to him of her love. T'was just another Autumn night, with busy people rushing in the neon-lit city streets below. But that night two souls melded together as one; together, with his love, her love, the unspoken melody and the beautiful night sky.

Update

2009-02-11T10:12:00.000+08:00

Life has been a bit depressing lately. I got a bit upset over the uncertainty of the future. I guess.. I was afraid. And I kinda know I didn't do too well for my As. Call this Post-A-level blues. It hit me pretty hard. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear. A ear so that we can rant and sort things out in our minds. There's no need to speak or give advice (might complicate things). Just being there is more than enough. When all else fails, a good cry in the dark would suffice. Sort of.

All my hopes and all my dreams seem to hang in the balance as results for As draws nearer. Its frightening. Well, I've talked to dad and he says he can't send me overseas. So I'll just have to settle for a local Uni. Or worse case scenario, a poly. Whatever. Life seems pretty jammed up now. God, you listening? This would be a good time to bail me out. haha

Friendship

2009-01-23T19:43:00.004+08:00

True friendship is never made in good times, but in the bad times. It is forged by the fires of shared trials and agonies, shared experiences and time spent together.

But friendship is beyond just words and social discourses. It is how much someone values you as a friend, and that is felt in the little things, the emotions.. the unspoken, meaningful glances.. the protectiveness.. the care and concern that words cannot contain.. All these differentiates the true from the false. I am glad and contented with my circle. It is more than enough.

"The weight of Time is the creator, nurturer and destroyer of friendships. Be wary of it."

Random Thoughts.

2009-01-21T11:57:00.003+08:00

There is a beauty and clarity to late night talks, I wish that the human body doesn't have to sleep so I could experience it without the after effects knocking me out for most of the morning. If I had my way, Afternoons should be for sleeping. The hottest, most useless, agonising part of every 24 hours.

And I will be going home from Euge's place in that heat. Oh joy.

Odeurey has gotten attached (thankfully not engaged) so it would seem. I felt.. a certain sense of loss. Even though we do not have anything substantial between us to be lost. Perhaps the loss of opportunity? She's always been this dream that gives me hope and motivation to pick myself up when I am down, and she will continue to be. At least for awhile more. Awhile more.

Friendship is more multifaceted then I thought it was. Sometimes it scares me, the complexity. A strong urge to just jettison everything and everyone and seclude myself from such disturbing social constructions. But I know its the hysteria speaking due to the overexposure. Something like, the sun's a good thing generally, but too much causes skin cancer. I love my friends, but I have never been much of a socialiser to begin with. I'm really fine just being alone, although some company once in awhile is really, really nice. I need it to be simple though. Life is complex enough as it is already.

On Eunice

2009-01-18T21:16:00.004+08:00

It does seem on retrospect, most tangential. And time does makes it more so.

Some goodbyes are the hardest to say, and others are better left unsaid.

Its amazing how acquaintances as can be mistakenly labelled friends, and shocking how friends can be treated like acquaintances.

(I shall update this post when I organise my thoughts)

Female Friends.

2009-01-18T20:38:00.004+08:00

Alex told me today, that I should not be taken advantage of by female friends.. That I should not do the job of the boyfriend without the perks of holding hands, kissing, et al. I agree theoretically. I should not be that willing to be the second choice. It isn't like they thought of me first right? I'm just a convenience, nothing more. Just a second fiddle filling in the gap left by the unwilling first.

However, they are friends, and I do want to maintain a certain relationship with them. Plus its not as if it were purely a one-sided utilitarian arrangement. What I have, is time and boredom. So as long as there isn't something more interesting to do, and the frequency of requests ain't too high or the demands ain't too.. well, demanding, I have no objections to a little fellowship.

Of course, if the female friend does not reciprocate the attention and the favours.. I am sorry but goodbye (and good riddance). And well, its not as if it were that easy for them to be my friends anyway.

And I shall end this with a quote from Alex:

"Make them fall for you without falling for them yourself."

Ideal, but sometimes the second part ain't that easy man.. haha

2009-01-10T00:43:00.002+08:00

How the weeks have flown by.

Alex has gone to Taiwan and back.. Christmas & New Year have come and gone in the space of a week. Already, the first week of the year has passed. Its a nice feeling, not having to give a damn about school. =)

Well of Life,
give me today my double portion,
the peace and rest your comfort brings,
let my heart be light,
filled with joy overflowing.
For this is Your chosen year,
and I have Your favour
always and forevermore.
Amen.

Today is the Last Day

2008-12-23T11:27:00.003+08:00

Of my Freedom.

Not that I mind.
Too much idle Time sends the mind into the Devil's Pantomime.

She will disappear into the mist as I leave the familiar shores of Monotony for the horizon of Dreams. The brave unknown, the wild unknown beckons.

For the far Isle of the Black Pearl beckons.

A New World, a strange world... A wishful Fantasie, or the Darkest Nightmere...? The thrill verily excites me, like the Seabreeze for the Sailor, and uncharted maps for the perpetual explorer. Push the New Frontiers for Gold, Gems and Glory. For Life, Love and a Story.

Oh Wright of Wunderlust, how you have seduced me... young Banshee, with your True Call, you have awakened me, and I... I am to wed thee. For alas, your sisters keen for our Sorrow, and lure me ever onward across the Sunset-ochred Sea.

You shall I seek and find,
and only you shall I wed.

Red

2008-12-17T23:54:00.003+08:00

Red, the colour of roses,
they bloom in the midsummer heat
a dark night, a deep night.
The dappled moonlight
the only light
greying the glades
with cold, dark moonlight.
A night for deeds
of crime of thought of passionate drought.
Red, the colour of blood
in mine still-beating heart,
the only warmth in my cold, bluish veins,
Silence,
the only blessing for my pains.
Silence,
the only answer left for my pains.
Freely given, unwillingly received, poison'd to keep.
But keep, bitterly,
in the glades of cascading silence,
with only the wailing moon,
spilling her pale blood
on this dark night, deep night.

To be loved

2008-12-15T08:16:00.002+08:00

Is a blessing beyond measure.

Walking around Bugis, adrift and alone, drives home the aching loneliness of well, being alone. Not so much the lack of a girl, but more so the lack of a companion, a friend. Wandering about, circling the entire place 4, 5 times, every floor, every nook and cranny, every toilet.. This was my fate yesterday. Stupidly, I left my earphones at home.

Was feeling empty. Guess being dehydrated and downing two cans of Suntory Coffee doesn't help either. I was so bored, I went down to the boombox (a.k.a. arcade) and watched people kill creeps on House of the Dead 4 (or was it 5? is there even a 5?) and pros whack the drum machine and scoring perfect combos. Sad huh.

The happiness I felt when dad, flor, and little bro jon met up with me for dinner, was a mixture of relief, joy and comfort. Where we go and what to eat for dinner became an irrevelant question, as long as we were together. The fatigue lifted, or at least, was held at bay.

No matter how upset I get with the family, I guess when I'm lonely, they more than make up for it. haha

And no euge, I wasn't chionging CS.. haha, though I might.. lolness, but I still prefer Left 4 Dead.. lol

Didn't church with her on Sunday. She's with the cousins. Or so she says. I asked her to go cycling today. I asked on Thursday. She said it was a nice idea and would get back to me about it. She hasn't. She'll probably sms me later today to say she forgot, or that she's busy. Or she won't sms at all.

I think I should give up trying.
I think, I should write a letter.

This is what I want to write in the letter:

"Hi.

I kinda wonder a little at why what we have (if we even have anything at all) is getting so cold. But I think I know the answer. You either noticed and don't give a damn, or noticed and didn't give a damn. So which is it? If you are playing games, I am sorry, its not having any other effect except driving me away. Maybe that's what you want. Well, congrats, you have succeeded.

Because, I am not one to chase. It is, a fucking waste of my time and effort. Hope you find your Mr. Right (or Mr. Chase), because, it definitely isn't me. How about that guy you were practically gushing about? The one that can drive you around and bring you to nice posh restaurants, who makes loads of effort to please? Oh, and I don't think we can be friends either. Not because of me, but because of you. You can't seem to take me liking you and me being friends with you. Either that, or we have different definitions of friendship. Regardless, I think its safe to delete me from your contact list, because, I think I probably will.

Merry Christmas."

But I probably wouldn't.

Though its tempting.

only time will tell

2008-12-07T23:33:00.002+08:00

A dandelion is only good for one purpose, and that is describing how I feel.

Pushing daisies is a really good drama series, capturing facets of candid human interactions in a quirky setting, making me realise the fragility as well as the strength of love, and through it, the preciousness of it all.

The cats are wailing tonight. They too, describe how my soul, and my semi-subconscious really feel.

I think I shall get a Norwegian Forest.. Or a Maine Coon..

feelings.

2008-12-02T19:32:00.003+08:00

My shoulders feel heavy.

Reality is sinking in, and its not just the reality that the exams are over. This reality, is the realisation that I have to go into the army, have to start making money and how time and schedules start to get tighter, like a noose around the neck. Would I have time for my friends? Would they have time for me?

The world's beginning to seem like a really crazy place. Consumerism seems to be therapy for lonely hearts. The inner cry for someone to notice the bleeding and make it stop. But the clothes and the toys don't seem to staunch the bloody flow.

And yes, fear, a very real fear of what is to come, and what is to go. Death leaves a bloody hole in everyone who cares for you; loves you. And I wonder, how many holes can I take before I succumb and die.

I have come back from Japan, to a warm welcome by my dearest besties.. thanks, you guys have no idea how much it means to me.. ^^ spending time one on one with daddy was a dream come true. Though there was a little friction due to prolonged exposure, it was the most memorable trip I have ever had. I have gotten to know him so much more, and... love him so much more. I know I am not where I want to be as a son, and there were some disappointing moments... may God grant me the time to make you proud. I love you dad

But for now, I will live however I choose to live, and leave the future in God's hands, and the past in my memories, I shall remember them fondly. Because.. what else can I do.

I am missing Japan.

2008-11-29T09:50:00.000+08:00

on second thoughts, I'll change it now.

now.

NOW, DAMNIT.

lol

2008-11-29T09:32:00.002+08:00

LoL, I am so gonna change my template when I get back home.

Japan has been fun..

Life is opening up.

will be back soon..

Winter

2008-11-17T18:55:00.003+08:00

The dream coalesced into a nightmare, and I am left staring at the ruins, ravaged by war and time. After all, are not love and war one and the same? Born of passion, glorious and dreadful in all its splendour, it rages and burns with intensity, a ferocity unmatched even by nature's wraths. All that is left is carrion for the ravens as the death knell tolls and the broken remnants remain, a mute testimony of tragedy transgressed.

Strong words beget strong emotions, which in turn incites passion. Passion has always been the harbinger of untold tragedies. An uncontrollable forest fire. But before the war, political, emotional intrigue always takes place. The softest spots, the weakest links, the best way to inflict maximum damage. The spider weaves its web, and another, uses its web against it. A delicate, deadly dance, and Death is only one possibilty.

Sigh.

Why must it devolve to this? If only I hadn't done anything, had not allowed the tongue to poison friendship with the unspoken. If only she would stop pretending. If only. History and alternate history. Man's longing for alternate realities belies his dissatisfaction with life. Perhaps that's why computer games, virtual realities are so appealing: the save/reload function. She has been so nonchalant about the chaos surrounding us. I faltered and panicked at the sudden cold that emanated from my companion. I lost control of myself temporarily.. lost myself to the wild emotions surging.. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of losing her. Frustration at her denial. Frustration at my weakness. But I, I will force this turmoil to the depths of my soul. It will become fuel. And the machines of war shall begin to grind.. as the sands of Time trickle in the Hourglass.

The season of planting and growing is gone, frost has taken over: the first sign of a bitterly cold winter.

2008-11-17T15:04:00.002+08:00

It feels.

Cold.

I'm burning up with paranoia.

Its like Alain de Botton said. Pretending nothing is fucking wrong, and there is no way to address the fucking problem. He's a genius. But he doesn't tell us what the fuck to do in situations like these.

She continues pretending.

And I continue bleeding.

I know I told you, Eugene, that I am not one to play such games. But I think, a little indifference to her would do me a world of good.

I like her; I love her. But she doesn't seem to like me; love me. I smsed her last night. She didn't reply. I smsed her at noon. She replied at 3pm. Pretense, pretense, pretense. All is but a lie. There is no coincidence; it is too much to be a coincidence.

Enough.

Two can play at this game of pretense. "huh? what's wrong? is anything wrong? haha, you're overreacting. Aren't we just friends?"

I will not lose. I will crush this game, and if she continues to cling to it, I will crush this like; this love, into the broken shards that it probably is already.

The cutting begins now.

2008-11-12T16:35:00.002+08:00

I need to grow up.. fast. Can you comprehend, the deep sense of helplessness as I watch the weight of the world crush you? What do I care if others perish, but for you I would do all I can to see you smile once again.

Time.

Hurry up now.

Werewolves

2008-10-22T10:15:00.009+08:00

Werewolves

You are walking amongst the wolves
because you have to,
and I am wretched,
watching you bare your warm neck,
your milk-pale skin
to the wolves, with their iron-jawed grin.
Your resistance excites a thousand macabre fantasies,
in which you only exist for their pleasure;
the hapless victim in this cat-and-mouse game.
They want you, they have you
and they will play with you.
Torture you for your screams
and break your will, they shall.
Oh yes they shall. Look,
you can see it in their eyes
where the hunger never dies...
red, with blood-
lust.

And I look in the mirror, into my blood-red eyes,
and shudder.

Novelty: Spoilt Child's unhappiness

2008-10-15T11:42:00.007+08:00

"To be or not to be?"
"That is the question."

And that question,
will be answered soon.

Time moves in ever-closer concentric circles. Its not so much that Time speeds up, but that Life ceases to amuse and surprise. What once gave such joy now fades into the obscurity of routine and commonality. It does then seem that the human soul ever-searches for novelty. Thus the very real fear of those who find happiness; fear, because to them, happiness is in direct variation to that transient sense of novelty. Thus, to solve this conundrum, all that one needs to do, theoretically, is to not equate novelty to happiness. Easier said than done, as die-hard addicts to the happiness=novelty will testify. But, if one were to find pleasure (or happiness) from the comforting existence of constants, (e.g. Friday badminton games, Saturday walks in the park, Sunday post-church activities with her) the sum total of happiness would be far superior to the brief moment experienced upon discovery of a novelty. But equally at the same time, those who subscribe to the view that happiness=constant, novelty will bring turmoil and the subsequent loss of happiness (although perhaps, significantly less).

(the [flawed] assumption in the above paragraph is that quantity of happiness experienced is the same per unit time regardless of source.)

But empirically,
why do we get bored?

The streaks of monotony that taint this life are viewed with a distaste. Why? It is not so much the negativity towards monotony that creates the distaste, but the experience of novelty that creates the craving for more, and thus the distaste for a lack of novelty. Therefore, just like a drug addict, we need our daily/monthly/annual dosage of novelty to feel truly alive. Hence, all one needs to do, is not partake of novelty and wean oneself of the drug-like experience. Unlike a drug, however, one cannot choose not to have, or when to have, novelty injected into Life. Thus, we are all doomed (or blessed, if you wish) to experience novelty.

Also, not so unlike a druggie, who the hell wants to stop the novelty-induced highs?

Are we then condemned to go through life craving novelty and fearing the subsequent withdrawal symptoms? Condemned to experience the fullness of Life and despair at the subsequent emptiness? Perhaps not. Finding a balance between the two extremes might provide a key to this labyrinth of despair. For the less philosophically inclined, the two extremes are: (1.) Novelty = Happiness , therefore Loss of Novelty = Loss of Happiness, and (2.) Constant = Boredom = Unhappiness.

If one can somehow moderate the extremes, I posit that this parameters are superior:
(1.) Experience Novelty = happiness,
Loss of Novelty = the once-novel item/situation/person becoming constant
(2.) Constant = neutral, not = Unhappiness

Thus, an analogy that might be used here is:
The constant is like walking.
Novelty is like occasionally being able to fly first class.
You wish you can fly first class all the time.
But you don't hate walking.

Hating to walk because you can't fly first class is like a spoilt child who really wants to go to the playground a 5 minute walk away, but doesn't go because his dad ain't driving him.

Key underlying assumption that the child has in his mind: He deserves to be chauffeured around

Moral of the story: Grow up.

2008-09-26T00:23:00.002+08:00

Prelims was really bad. I've never gotten worse grades in my life. I guess there's a first for everything. It's okay. As okay as losing an arm because you were careless. But its okay.

There is more to life than grades. More to life than money. More to life than an arm. At least, I hope there is.

Good music.
Good games.
Good food.
Good friends.

What more could I ask for?

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true at last, there is life and joy.

What would I give, for that Christmas Eve

2008-09-23T21:21:00.005+08:00

What would I give, for that Christmas Eve

My heart is bleeding from a memory.
A memory that refuses to go away.
That wistfulness intertwines with nostalgia,
and I am wretched.
Indeed, very very wretched.

Your smiles torment me.
Your joy is my sorrow.
Your gain my loss.
But why?
Why the pain?
Why the emptiness..

Everytime you surface in my memories,
the wound reopens anew.
And the crimson regret spills and overflows,
never filling those empty dreams..
My empty dreams.

Hope is said to give strength and life.
But what if Hope dies..?
What if my Hope dies.
With it goes my strength and life.
For you I lived.
For you, without you, I would die.
Am dying.
Dead.

Fate or God, or cruel Lady Luck,
we meet at a distance,
never ever close.
Not even a quick wave.
Your smiles were never for me;
your smiles were for everyone but me.
I said I would give up on you.
Its over. It should be.
But my heart aches miserably.
You are near,
so tantalisingly near,
but yet so far away.

All that remains is
Why.

And more painfully,
Why not.

2008-09-18T10:53:00.003+08:00

I've a question:
Are men psychologically and/or physiologically unable to commit permanently to a relationship?

On an Unrelated Note:

The average paycheque is designed to keep the masses in the workforce for at least 25 years. Because of Singapore's declining birthrate, inflation will exponentially increase while our pay increments lag far behind. This would mean that we would have to work for 35 years instead. Or maybe 40. Or 50.

The question no longer is whether one wants to work or not. One must work to survive.
let's take a look:

1. HDB is only for married couples/family.

2. so if one remains a bachelor, the cheapest private housing - condominiums- is about.. 0.8 - 1.2M?

3. with inflation and steadily increasing property prices (don't forget the influx of foreign immigrants - I heard a rumour that the gov. wants to jack it up to 8.5M people in S'pore) when one can put a downpayment on a house, it would cost approx. 1.2 - 1.5M.

4. now, if your starting pay is 5000 with an annual increment of 500 plus 2 months bonus, you will need at least 28.633837181 years. Now, this is just to pay for the house.

5. count in condo maintanence, insurance, car, food, dates, holidays, music cds, home theatre system, furniture, (my CFIIIS yamaha grand, my Nikon DSLR) and the price tag is wayyy higher.

6. Now, after working 28.633837181 years, to pay for all this.. what are you going to retire on?

7. the average guy gets into the workforce (after uni. ed.) at 25. therefore he would have to work at least 35 years (or more). So he quits the workforce at 60.

8. 60 years old. Can you now finally enjoy? Or must you think of living till 80 and save up every penny?

9. My conclusion is this: Euthanasia should be legalised.

2008-09-16T10:31:00.005+08:00

It is necessarily so.

That at crunch time, usually around the (major) exam periods, one begins to think about what life has to offer (if one fails the exam). Small consolation, but necessary, necessary delusion to anaesthetise the deadly fear. Dread poisons, paralyses like the incoming headlights exponentially approaching the fated roadkill.

That is probably why vice exists- A saccharine distraction as your dreams and hopes shudder, sunder under the cruel grind of meritocracy. Why oh why, must we sleep? If we didn't, then we would not need a house. Why must we eat? If we didn't, we wouldn't be worried about when the next meal is coming. Then, we could focus on the more important things in life- music, good books, the arts and aesthetics.

I am necessarily bored with-.

Piano

2008-09-13T16:14:00.003+08:00

Piano

Sweet is the sound of the weeping hammerklavier
as my hands gently caress her cold white keys;
as my fingertips softly push her pale ivory keys.
Quivering notes in resonance; vox angelis pianoforte,
Sing for me;
Scream for me.

2008-09-10T19:00:00.002+08:00

Sleep today after physics was fitful, stormy, dark and evil.
In the afternoon.
Which was bright and sunny, calm and balmy.
Such mockery in contrast.
Quite insulting, and a little disappointing, that the world wasn't up in flames when I woke.

How the sun drains the life right out of me, I don't think anyone will understand.
Mugging chem now.
3 hours left.
Joy.

2008-09-09T10:25:00.004+08:00

Vows

Breathe,
for she never was.
Never was as you thought.
Everything began with a mistake.
Mistaken identity.

Fate or God, God or Fate,
whichever pleases you,
at once stifling and
liberating at once.
-but never coincidental.

The weight of the world
is only made up of
your previous lovers, her previous lovers
and the stiff spike of-
a jealousy.

Under that jealousy, a hurt
because:
Forgetting to remember
is less painful than
Remembering to forget.

But that's what un-stifles
this life!
The maddening uncertainty
of the pendulum and the clock-
Until you see the accursed symmetry.

Loves, hates, fights, breaks,
patches, kisses, loves, hates-
Enjoy the simplicity
of the harmonic motions!
Oscillations that go on, and on, and on, and-

So you wait for her
to wait for you
to wait for her,
before you decide to
exchange one evil for another.

For better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
to more intensely
love, hate, fight, break,
patch, kiss, love, hate-

2008-09-05T15:28:00.016+08:00

Dance, Little Girl
Inspired by and dedicated to Eunice Yeo, a very dear friend.

Dance, little girl,
in the quiet alcoves by the bay.
The gentle sea-wind caresses
tenderly on this Sunday.
Away from the prying eyes
you dance,
merrily, happily
in the shallow wade-pools
as the secret melody pulls
lovingly,
always lovingly on you.

Dance, little girl,
on the fair meadows of Summer-May.
The gentle prairie-wind whispers
and the yellow-gold daffodils sway.
Away from unkind stares
you dance,
joyfully, gladly
by the bubbling stream that almost sings
of the secret melody, pulling
lovingly,
always lovingly on you.

Oh, but what happen'd,
little girl? Why
no longer joyful nor glad?

The sadness in your eyes overflow
through crimson tears
as your world grows harsh, cold.
No love, no love, no more.
Gone are the Summer days of before.

And you dance,
on the shards of shattered dreams.
your broken sobs fill the aching emptiness,
Hope's requiem, deep Sorrow's hymn.
In the midst of mockery,
pierced with loss and blood-red agony
you dance,
abandoning yourself to
the secret melody that pulls
lovingly,
always lovingly on you.

Like that Sunday,
in the midst of Summer-May.

2008-09-03T18:54:00.002+08:00

Eugene's post set me thinking: Why am I studying what I'm studying, and doing what I'm doing?

While I began to ponder why, an answer began to gradually emerge: I am doing all this, because I am afraid. I am afraid that later in the future, I would regret not studying, that is why I must study to solve a future regret.

I am not against education, but the fixation on it as a means to an end. It is true that for survival's sake, one needs to be economically active. But it is more than survival. The truth is, that we are after self-actualisation (refer to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). We, are after power. Nobody wants to jeopardise their chances at achieving self-actualisation. But the problem is, the education system as the only means of self-actualisation is implicitly forced down our throats, since the moment we could hold a pen. Is it really?

The questions that one should begin asking is: Is all the time and effort I put into the paper chase worth it? Is 10000/month jobs or 20000/month jobs really worth 7 am - 9 pm, 6 days a week, 52 weeks a year worth it? Is the stress, the unhappiness, the failed opportunities at relationships due to work commitments really worth it? Can we say it is worth it?

Its as if we are all living for the future, that we fail to live in the now. 16 years of my life will be ploughed into the system if I finish my university education. Another 30 years will most probably be spent working. Is it worth it?

Education was a noble ideal. Until it became an economic tool to justify who got the higher paying jobs. But education is not my life. Working is not my life. They are necessities, true. But necessities for survival are at the bottom of the pyramid in Maslows Hierarchy. Self-actualisation is at the top.

Some believe in the power of delayed gratification. The idea is, that what I don't spend today, I get back in greater proportion tomorrow. Or, if I don't play today but study, I can get a good job and be able to "play" more. E.g. If I don't splurge 1000o dollars on that home theater system today, I can probably invest this money and get back twice that amount next year. E.g. 2 If I slog my guts out at work, I'll be a millionaire and then I can retire in a few years time. The thing is, do you know if you'll still be around next year? Or even tomorrow?

These questions have no easy answer. Both extremes are costly. The key is finding a balance. And all balances are subjective; it depends on the individual. What matters at the end of the day is, what would make you happy?

"Don't live in fear."

2008-09-01T10:49:00.003+08:00

I got a pair of Shure earphones! Okay, its freaking ex. but my ears just couldn't resist the awesome sound reproduction. Plus, I've been off the life-support system (music) for long enough. Its almost like an addiction. It feels good to be plugged in again. haha

The Comex '08 fair was really a squeeze. Its really mad, considering that the whole convention centre's worth of space was fully utilised for the exhibition. I mean, even the ballrooms were totally crowded out by the handphone service providers and the handphone megabrands like Sony Ericsson and Samsung, et al.

Was really tempted to get the X-Fi mp3 player from Creative, and it comes with quite a good pair of earphones as well. Or so it was published. Tried both the player and the earphones. The player is really good, but only without the X-Fi capability, which is such an irony. The earphones of Creative were over-attempting to jack up the bass notes and over-sharpening the high-mid freqs., resulting in oppresive base killing the low-mid freqs and an extremely harsh high-mid range respectively. Still, they were way cheaper than what I had to shell out for my Shures. I guess you get what you pay for. (Am I reassuring myself that my Shures were worth it? hmm.)

However, with a good pair of earphones, I've begun to realise that all the music players at home (incl. my Nokia N73) kinda fails to max. out the potential of my earphones. Which means.. I got to fork out more lucre to get a decent mp3 player. Oh no.

This can be applied to life, no? Managing expectations is a must for happiness. Don't over-upgrade your tastebuds when your bank account can't keep up. Or when you can't enjoy the simple pleasures of life anymore.

Anyway, Sunday was spent going to church and basically hanging out all day with Alex, Megan and Eunice. Sundays are really beginning to be really fun =) Crossing out pictures of *Ahem* in the papers, alcohol wipes and the talking session in the most unglam of places (sitting on the pavement in town) talking about random stuff - these really made Sunday so enjoyable. ^^

On a (pseudo) philosophical note: The horizon that can be reached was never a horizon in the first place. So in the futile quest to attain the impossible, it is no longer the goal that is important ('cos the goal can't be achieved anyway), but the process; the quest.

I am happy, and content for now, and I guess that is what matters.

2008-08-30T00:07:00.004+08:00

As kinda expected, the I.S. draft 3 has to be reworked. So its back to the drawing board again to create draft 4. Its sort of becoming a routine? "Yay! I'm done! =)" "No it isn't. Redo it. Now." "OMG. Why?! Alright! Sheesh. I'll do it. Again. -.-"

My dear best friends who worry.. Thanks for the love ^^ you wouldn't worry if you didn't care right? Daijobu. Its okay. I know I can depend on you guys for green tea, sphagetti and random suppers (Alex), apple strudel and basketball (Eugene), and Starbucks coffee (Megan). Haha, but you guys mean so much more to me than just food. Love you.

Megan! Sorry for not replying your SMSes and CALLS! I know I suck. ^^'' I owe you one! Starbucks @ siglap sometime next week? We really, really need to catch up! SMS me when you see this!

Prelims is in a week. ONE week. Hmm. I'm kinda relaxed still. For now. ^^

PS: The Cheesecake Cafe is a really good place to chill
PSS: the sui gao (zhui guay in hokkien) at bedok central is really nice!
PSSS: there's this chicken rice stall in bedok central too that has a really unique way of serving chicken rice!
PSSSS: Shilin at century square has moved to tampines mall basement.
PSSSSS: I've made a really good friend over the weekend. And throughout this week too. ^^

2008-08-27T14:06:00.002+08:00

It feels like ages since I last wrote a post.

I've gotten a structure for K.I. that I can live with. And a deadline to submit the next draft by tomorrow that will kill me.

I feel like a little child again. A
Child who has just discovered A
Treasure, that pulls with A
mesmerising allure.

I feel.. happy

?

^^

In remembrance of you, a dedication.

2008-08-22T22:06:00.002+08:00

In remembrance of you, a dedication.

I miss missing you.
Love is a wretched feeling
the wretched loves,
without it my wretchedness is
incomplete.
But perhaps, I loved love,
and not you.
It is said:

"The void not filled by love, aches."

But I say,
the void not filled by
"The void not filled by love,"
aches more.

Time waits not.

2008-08-18T11:54:00.002+08:00

TIME WAITS NOT.

The past week has been quite crazy. I really thought that I had my I.S. out of the way and I could finally focus on mugging for the prelims and the A levels. But no, I have to redo it all over again. My sanity is hanging precariously on a thread. Worse, I didn't know it till yesterday. It was as if I had deluded myself, forced myself to be calm. But my thread was fraying. Alex finally helped me realise myself. My mind did not, could not acknowledge what my body language was saying. Yesterday was the proverbial last straw. Subjecting myself to a critical, cruel self analysis, light was finally shed on the fragile state of my mind.

I am becoming very short-tempered. My patience has reached an all time low. Its not that I do not enjoy your company, but more of "please don't waste my time, I have little as it is already" and "stop distracting me from what I must do". I would dearly love to sit at starbucks and chat with you all, free from the cares of the world. But I can't. Not now.

Soon, I will have to cut off all emotion before it overwhelms me. I apologise in advance to Alex, Yi Xiu and Eugene. The Joshua you know will go on a hiatus soon. He'll be back after the A levels. Hopefully. Forgive me for being very, very cold the next 3 months.

goodbye.

Till then

2008-08-11T10:39:00.013+08:00

Of Blue Skies and Purple Eyes

The paintings flow past in the gallery of Life.
Sweet moments; Bitter moments.
Tentative beginnings and painful conclusions.

I stop at the emptiest section:
Of Love.
And wonder,
at the ripped canvases
that litter the floor.
Otherwise, it is bare.
There is a staleness that lingers,
in the stillness
the emptiness triggers,

An urge.

And I pick up my paintbrush
confidently,
and paint my
memories.

The first brush with wild attraction.
Strong hues of red, pink and gold
of life's first infatuation.

The embarrassing attempts
and the cute if clumsy
pick up lines.

The sparks and the fireworks
that always
burn out; fade out..
after awhile.

I pause.

Trembling with uncertainty;
pure excitement.
The section is barely filled.
Maybe,
there will be a painting
like never before.
A painting that is
the essence of this section:

Of Love.

Till then,
I am content to wait;
the inspiration will come.

For that
eternity,
when

Deep purple eyes
gaze,
teasingly,
into mine.

A soft smile plays
gently
and tugs tentatively,
lovingly,
on my soul.

Till then,
I am content to wait;
For the future begins where memory ends.

2008-08-10T17:43:00.007+08:00

I am particularly happy today ^^ ehehe, I just got two CDs from HMV! The blue one is the fourth album of Chatmonchy: Seimeiryoku. It has a really upbeat sound, though some might say the vocalist is trying too hard to hit some high notes. But I don't really care. Its nice. =)

The one on the above right is Ayaka Iida's first album: First Message. It was the only one left on the rack. AND I GOT IT. ehehehe.. I'll go back and get the second album soon. Cross my fingers and hopes it doesn't run out of stock. x.x

more photos:

in response to [x]

2008-08-09T13:50:00.007+08:00

This, is an unobjective post in response to an unobjective person.

This, is in response to [x].

It is a pain to explain myself to people.
It is more of a pain to explain myself to people so insecure they
tag anonymously.
So I am not going to do it.
After all,
all they ever do is
get offended.

But I will comment on their comments.
Subtly, or directly,
I can't (and I do not want to) resist
that temptation
at a parting shot.

Especially when
their comments are overly
emotional
with little (or no) objectivity at all.

However all good things must come to an end.
After seeing the same emotional pattern
repeat itself,
one tends to get very
bored.

But for now,
the fun (different from the "fun" in my Sat 2nd August 2008 post, which anonymous tagger [x] erroneously applied criticism to)
persists,
and I derive immense pleasure
from observing the extreme naivete
of their underdeveloped psyche.
Amusement arises
when the immature insinuates that I am
immature
based on the premise that
he or she is mature.
Savvy?

Claiming the moral high ground is a fallacy.
A ridiculous action that I would laugh at always.

Here, let me be a little more explicit and attempt to share the fun:

A little excerpt from my tagboard:

6 Aug 08, 22:10

x: "fun"?a game?srsly,grow up and get a life.

(to which I replied)

9 Aug 08, 13:36

joshua: x: do you even know what "game for a laugh" means.. I don't think you do. obviously, a very serious, narrow-minded person. And no, I don't want to grow up if it means getting your life. Coward.

-

After pondering [x]'s statement for a short while, I came to the conclusion that it was a referral to my post on relationships (Sat 2nd August 2008).

Again, an anonymous tagger. (I seriously don't have gang connections. Please do not be afraid.)

Apparently, a misinterpretation of the word "fun". I can't be bothered to explain. Check the dictionary please. Suffice to say my intention was for a positive connotation.

As stated above, [x] does not know what "game for a laugh" means.

"Grow up and get a life." You mean you have a life? Are you trying to say that you are mature? Growing up means.. becoming like you? No thanks.

In the end, all that [x] will ever gain from reading this is a feeling of deepest offence. Which isn't far from my original intentions in writing this.

[x]'s response will most likely be:

1. angry.
2. hostile.
3. try to ridicule me in order to cover up his/her embarrassment.
4. act superior.
5. commit the fallacy of ad hominem, specifically tu quoque.
6. ~~tag~~ spam my tagboard
with incoherent, emotional and unobjective comments.

to which my response will be:

1. quiet exultation that my predictions were right.
2. silence, because I am bored. also because, the person is doing a splendid job embarrassing himself/herself without needing my help to.
3. but most of all, I think I will laugh. alot.

Maybe, as you said, I need to "get a life". Then again, so what if my life does not fit your definition of "having a life"? What does it matter, as long as I am happy? Shake your head and mutter smugly that I am a sad case for not having a life.

Its okay.

Cos, that's what I'm doing to you too.

2008-08-05T13:34:00.010+08:00

Fear is so evident.
The more you try to hide it, the more obvious it becomes.
Oh the comfort of the shadows..
Dark corners for doing dark deeds.
So hide your naked, vulnerable flesh
in this garish masquerade.

Vindication;
the presumptious zealotry,
resonates in the peasant's soul.
It gives
a sense of power
to the powerless.
Hide behind the veneer of
a façadious persona;
self-proclaimed
self-righteous.
Embrace the crusade,
for what does your
pathetic life have to offer?
Nothing but shame and ashes.

Thinly veil'd, the venomed knifeblade
in thy espionage.
Stab and leave already.
Terrorist.

For the literary illiterate:

Peasant: from a disadvantaged socio-economic class that flirts with poverty on a daily basis. Coarse mannered; unrefined. Culturally deficit. (Always ready to go on strike.) Attempts to emulate the upper classes, but the imitation is poor, if not atrocious. As a result, very insecure.

PS: the promise holds.

To phyllis

2008-08-02T18:22:00.009+08:00

Dear phyllis, (no, I'm not being sarcastic.)

Its a pleasure to know that you are brave enough to address a post to me after all the horrible things I have said and done to you(take this as a public acknowledgement & apology).

Firstly, do you remember that in the email I sent to you (which I bcc-ed to my friend to pre-empt any misunderstanding) I stated that I would stop all forms of hostility, implicit or explicit? Therefore, the poem (free verse rather) has no reference to you or your situation, past or present, at all. In fact, it is not even about love. At least, its not the main focus. Perhaps the lack of words caused you to misunderstand? I was lazy you see, and did not want to bother typing out paragraphs of opinions and supportive evidence, et al. I wished to be as succinct as possible in conveying emotion and meaning, as they were in danger of being lost in a convoluted mass of proper sentences. In short, I took poetic licence through the economy of words. In case you misunderstand, I am not saying that your comprehension of nuances is inferior. Rather, I am saying that I left room for personal interpretation, and that your interpretation is not what I intended. I am reluctant to explain my position, because poems/free verse once explained thoroughly and exhaustively, destroys (or at the very least, degrades) the value and impact of the poetic intent. As once said to me by a philosopher, "that which is said loses its meaning. Once it is captured in and trapped by words, it is diminished." But for the sake of clarification, I will risk it and make the sacrifice.

Thus, my intention revealed:

This poem is first and foremost about the thorny issue of commitment.
I hold that love is not made up of commitment. Rather, commitment exists because of love.
If love is not eternal, then commitment isn't either and will possibly die.
Vowing to commit does not make the commitment exist forever. All promises can be broken; it is not binding nor absolute because humanity is incapable of the ideal, though we attempt to achieve it.

The idea is, that committing, not out of love, to a relationship is fatal. It makes one feel trapped. I believe, the very act of saying "I will commit" diminishes the commitment.
I am not saying that there is no love in commitment. I am saying that commitment just to satisfy the other party's insecurity is detrimental to the relationship in the long run.
There might exist a form of love between two people, but unless it is strong enough, it cannot sustain commitment. To demand it too soon, is the beginning of the end.

Furthermore, commitment breeds a sense of familiarity that tends to encourage one to take the other for granted.
This can be related to the "honeymoon period" phenomena.
Also, it causes one to have high (and unrealistic) expectations of the other.
When these expectations are not met, it adds to the strain of the relationship.

What then?

Unfortunately, there is the pre-existing notion that people who do not commit are flirts and "players". This view stems from an inferiority complex. One feels insecure hence the need for the other to commit even though commitment now is premature.

Is it wrong to just be friends and have fun while getting to know each other? So what if the other person is not "The One"? At least I have made a good friend. Is socialising wrong if we are on the lookout for potential life partners? I do not think so.

"But, shouldn't love be exclusive? Don't tell me you are willing to share your girlfriend! Love is selfish."

True, I believe love should be exclusive, but also I believe that exclusivity arises from the intensity of love, not the other way around. If my love interest is not exclusively with me, it is because she is not ready to commit yet. She may be the best for me, but I may not be the best for her, or what she wants exactly. Do I hate her for that? No. If I force her to commit, it might cause a souring of the relationship. Having such absolute terms as these give rise to the impression that "if you can't commit, I can't continue seeing you and I will be upset with you. Forget this, I was in this for an exclusive relationship, and if you can't give me that, goodbye." Its as if its "all or nothing".

Going into the next step and becoming steads is a commitment. This should occur when both are ready. It should never be forced. There should be no hesitation. It is a natural occurrence, not a vowed-upon formal decision. How to feel comfortable doing this? Enough love. Some might feel that if the other person is not ready to commit, then he/she does not love me enough.

"You don't love me enough! Let's not see each other anymore."

Again, a very extreme, absolute position. The person may not be ready yet, but may/will eventually be. A pressured relationship is no relationship at all.

That is why I like girls who are friendly and game for a laugh. Girls that do not mind hanging out, even if its just one on one for a movie and dinner date. After all, there is nothing like spending quality time together to get to know the other person better. And if I do not feel the other person is for me, at least I have gained a close friend. Not being compatible does not mean the end of the friendship. Its a no-strings-attached, let's-see-where-this-goes kind of friendship.

Phyllis, I will not comment about your relationship. I believe it is still a sensitive issue. But I thank you for sharing your side of the story on your blog. It gives me a fresh perspective.

Let me attempt to answer the points you raised:

Mere smses and words are not love. But they can contain a little bit of love. They can express a little bit of love.

I believe in the sanctity of love, so I never had the intention of insulting it. After analysing what I wrote, I saw no insult to love, only a criticism on forced commitment not out of love.

No, I do not think anyone fully knows what love is. But I believe that we can love, and that people can feel our love for them. I also believe that there is such things like "strong love" and "weak love".

My opinion on promises is this:
They can be broken regardless of the relationship status, whether its between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, best friends or acquaintances. What matters in the end, sometimes, is the intent and not so much the deed. Even though the deed is hurtful.

Oh btw, I just read the later part of your post about me criticising/insulting you through poems. That's hurtful. I do not intend to rescind on my promise to do my best not to hurt you anymore. Sometimes, it does help to clarify the author's intent before making conclusions? How ironic, I wrote up there in this post that the poem/free verse is without reference to you or your situation at all.. If you must know, this poem/free verse is based on my personal experiences. It has no element of you in it at all. Your suspicion only goes to show that you are still very wary of me. I am sorry for causing you to feel that way..

However, I do feel that you have become more diplomatic in your posts (minus the last part about me being insidious) and the way you seek to convey your thoughts and feelings.

I have resolved to be direct in my interactions with you since the apology email. That is intrinsic to avoid hurting you further. Regardless of your statement that you frankly do not care about what I or others call you or say about you, I still believe that as a human being, our words and actions (or inactions and innuendos) can still hurt you. Of course you resolve to not let it affect you (much). Such thinking is encouraging. It reflects your tenacity and the will to move on.

On my niche:
Hmm. Being direct? haha, yeah, only to people who can take it now. No point being overly direct and pissing people off. Its better to moderate my comments and stop being antagonistic instead. On the same note, I am not lying to you. Believe it or not, its up to you. If your post had been a full-fledged insult and rant, I would not have bothered replying. So kudos to you. ^^

Thanks for clarifying your thoughts! I do not intend to ignore you. Its just.. the situation between all of us is very.. sensitive. And if ignoring you (in school or online or both) makes you feel better, just let me know.

Best regards,

Joshua

2008-07-31T22:57:00.008+08:00

All that guys want is
to be friends
and
a little bit more.

"That's all?!"
It leaves girls
a little bit sore.

Commitment pushes and pulls.
Everyone seeks their own
security.

"But to be absolutely secure,
means
the other is
absolutely insecure."

That, is the paradox.

Push or pull.
Which are you?

Promises can be broken.
It never was eternal anyway.
It just makes
the recipient happy, safe.
Smug.

Its as if,
commitment causes one,
to become a product to be
possessed,
played with for but awhile,
and tossed aside in the end.
(We all know what happened to the stray dog.)
Becoming 'yours truly' has this
unfortunate effect
of being taken for granted.

Its as if, being nice, romantic, and loving
is a must.
And not because I want to,
or not.
My wishes become
irrelevant.
While yours,
become all important.

Its the post-modern-day slavery, 'tis.
To be bound by vows
that one has no certainty
(or desire)
of keeping.

Commitment does not promise love.
Nay, it does not need to be
explicitly said,
or vowed upon.
Its not as if vows make it eternal anyway.

"Seek ye first his love, and commitment will follow thereafter."

And the sweet, passionate lovers,
(of twenty or more years)
say

"Amen."

PostScript: And if he or she
has no love for you
(it died. duh.)
commitment just makes it worse.

2008-07-28T17:50:00.006+08:00

Megan told me today, that the vj schedule and nj schedule for years twos are... damn slack. It makes me wonder.. who was the freaking person who came up with Protected Time?

My 5500 word Independent Study is way over the limit. I've to cut it down to 3000. Worse still, Mr. V said its probably cause I digressed, and I kinda agree with him. So I'll have to re-edit. And you know what? The digression was what I spent so much time researching and writing in the beginning. Now all that's left is what I did yesterday. wth.

"Damn sian arh."

On a happier note, I saw my ex-crush when I alighted from bus 12 and I couldn't help but smile. She smiled back too. haha, but she's attached already.. Lucky guy.. Still, at least we aren't pretending the other doesn't exist or going way out to avoid each other like last time.. It kinda reminded me of the times gone by when I was such a loser in secondary school. :) She's really chio cans.. wait, I go hunt for her pic.. hehehe..

There you go.. chio right? haha, which reminds me, I still have that band blazer with me.. oops. ^^''

I'm so tired I'm beginning to ramble.. stayed up late to finish the I.S. you see. haha.. the madness continues.. the saddest thing is, I can't write the I.S. while listening to music! T.T oh the agony..

2008-07-27T23:24:00.002+08:00

Its nice being alone at home afterall. I told Alex about being lonely, home alone. And he said that I was just stressed. 'Cos I have to stay home and mug the Independent Study. Quite true. I'm almost done with that crazy thing. haha, its been sheer madness.

Being alone makes me think. It makes me sad. It makes me age. Melancholy is like alcohol. Addictive after awhile. Drink deep of that bittersweet emotion. Get intoxicated with that lovely gravity. Feel it spin. Feel it spiral. Down and down and down. What a wonderful ride on the vertical rollercoaster. It makes me... sink all the way into the pillow and descend into the depths of sleep. Ahh. The world ends in sleep.

Am I desperate?
Why is it so hard to be a part of your life?
Is it because,
of geography.
Or grades.

Ignored.
It pisses me off.

I am desperate.
No more.
Enough.

The Dove and the Child.

2008-07-26T13:36:00.003+08:00

The Dove and the Child

A dove
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
There is something in the air; a certain tension.
An anticipation.
Of what, she does not know,
so she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
What is the meaning,
of a beating heart,
wild, uneven.
Painful.
A throbbing in her head,
stabbing agony,
then a numbness.
Her wingbeats slow slowly,
and she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
The child appears, with his handful of grain.
He smiles.
Is it really grain?
His smile widens
with a chasm in her mind;
a spasm.
His cold eyes burn into her, as she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
Recognition hits her belatedly,
like the hard unforgiving asphalt.
Humourless laughter resonates
through her broken, poisoned body, and she
flutters, dying, dead.

Home Alone.

2008-07-24T19:15:00.007+08:00

Loneliness.

I never knew what loneliness was, truly,
until all of you left me here all
alone.
Come back soon,
my dears,
because I miss you.

There is nothing like an empty house.
Its not a nice feeling at all.
Vacant and hollow.
The home is not the physical,
though that is important.
The home is not just the social,
though that is important.
The home is
all of you here with me,
in a place we call ours.

For now, I'll savour this emptiness,
drink deep of its sorrow,
and let this surge of loneliness
remind me
of all the good times we have had together;
that I have taken for granted
you all who have made me who I am.
I miss all of you..
so very, very much.

As Eugene would say,
"relish it."

I will try, though I feel like crying.
Never thought I would be homesick at home.
And its only day one.

edit:
something that I said, from my conversation with Eugene:

"its not that I don't appreciate being alone.. its a new experience.. an experience out of my comfort zone. And the feeling is so alien.. so foreign.. its so extreme its scary. Its at once empowering and at the same time disabling. I'll leave it at that for now.."

Illness

2008-07-20T08:35:00.000+08:00

I've been ill the last three days.

But it was a fever unlike any other. Before, it always fogged up my mind and it was a struggle to form sentences with more than 3 words. During these times, I was always stricken with a sense of despair and utmost depression, my thoughts always straying to "why did God let this happen to me?"

I might as well be asking "why doesn't God make me rich arh?"

But today, on this Sunday morning as I prepare to go to church, it suddenly struck me that not once in the entire duration of my illness did I ever feel depressed. Instead a calm and a lucidity pervaded my entire being. From the moment I left Eugene's house till, today, regardless of the temperature or the discomfort, my soul was contemplative and quiet. I did not blame God at all.

Uncle Anthony said yesterday when he came to visit, "Its amazing how one small microscopic bug can cause the whole body to break down."

How true.

It was one small but significant act in the Garden of Eden that took away our innocence. And it was another small but significant act at the Cross when our righteousness was restored through Christ.

And in relationships, its not that huge bouquet of roses and that box of expensive Godiva chocolates that matter (only).
Its the small but significant little things like the unexpected sms or that random call out of the blue that matter. We all know that small things always add up to big things, no?

Especially the significant ones.
'cos when its significant,
it is not small anymore.

Expectations kill when they aren't met.
But if you can exceed someone's expectations, you've just made that someone a very happy person.

A little blue..

2008-07-16T19:16:00.002+08:00

A little blue..

I am tired.

No, I dont need you to help me, come up with a solution or console me. I just need to tell someone I am tired.

And very afraid.

the future is so uncertain. And some say its fun because its uncertain. But I think its fun only when you are part of the elite, 'cos your future is promising. It is no fun, with grades that suck and 3 months left to the National Exams.

Please don't tell me, with a smile on your face, that I can do it. It makes me feel... stranded. Stranded because no one seems to understand. Maybe you do, and I am just unaware. I just need someone to listen when I say:

I am tired.

This feeling is not unique. It has happened before, and its happening again. Am I a noob? Maybe. A very scared & tired noob trying to make it in a world with no good place for noobs.

Talks about university admissions, SMU, NUS, NTU, scholarships... all these highlight my position in the pecking order of academic future. Not very high at all.

Is this stress? I don't know. Sounds like it.

It doesn't help, when I have TA superstudents for classmates, who have finished or nearly finished their Idependent Study. They consistently score As for every class assignment. I barely pass or just fail all together.

It does not help when the other subject teachers seem to assume that all I need to do is study their subject and no else. School would not be such a waste of time if I knew my work. But sadly I don't.

Am I in a rut? Stuck in the doldrums of depression?
I don't think so.

Life still goes on with or without the As in my A level cert. Time marches on at its own pace still. Its just that, I'll be quite sad at not getting what I want. But it does nothing for me if I'm depressed. Being a little kid and kicking up a fuss doesn't help.

Am I consoling myself? Maybe.
I'll just say I'm being objective.

And honest.

I don't like mediocrity. But can I say that I'll do my best?
I'll do what I'll do.
If I make it to my uni course,
I would say its not because of me.
Call it luck or blessing or whatever.
I think its divine intervention,
A miracle.

And then I'll laugh at this post.

2008-07-14T20:22:00.001+08:00

A brief sparkle in your eye
before an eternity passed me by
till the transient happy moment of your smile
gave way to a tremble,
and tears as you cry.

Deep in depths I cannot see,
not because of you, but because of me.
For I am not true of Love,
(it stabbed me hard
in the heart,
when I bequeathed it to thee)
never was,
and never will be.

I miss those halcyon days..
halcyon, because of you.

Today, was just another normal school day. A good school day. Good, because nothing Bad happened. Good, because the heart beat thrice.

Its always nice to start a week without being late, and I have Sophia and Claire to thank! They saw me waiting for a bus at 7.20 am. Late by all standards. So they got me to join them in the cab. That was really nice of them ^^

I think I'll join the Nike run. For the goodie bag. "Joshua! That's the wrong reasons for running!" heh, Yao, I think that went through your mind right. I was doing a bit of thinking lately, and it crossed my mind that the only really 100% outdoorer in my batch is Eugene. His love of outdoors is comparable to my love for Japan. I would love to go camping in the wilderness, but Eugene would go camping AND climb a mountain AND do survival cooking WITH the fish we catch from that lake in Hokkaido. I hope this illustrates the difference. Its not that I don't like the rest of the things; I do. But those things don't cross my mind without some external influence: Eugene's passion.

But the likelihood is, that Alex will come along with us. And he will roast, or panfry, the fillet of fish to perfection. I don't mind at all. ^^ It would be a lovely experience, just us three, out there communing with nature so wild, so beautiful... so awe-inspiring. Its a short silence, a gentle reprieve from the hellishly fast pace of a global economy. Its a break to forge bonds of friendship that will last the ages to come. I believe, that we will have a time of closeness, of friendship, just the three of us in the midst of raw, untamed and unfettered creation. It will be a time that I will forever hold in my memories.

This is a random, happy post. A reflective post..

Miracles of Life.

2008-07-10T00:06:00.004+08:00

Miracles of Life

In search of happiness.. all of us are, I think.

What makes you happy?

What makes me happy?

It makes me happy when I see Megan win her competition (ok, 3rd, but at least still got placing). It makes me happy, when she smiles. It makes me happy when she enjoys herself. It makes me happy when she makes beautiful cards for me. It makes me happy when she gives me little presents for no rhyme or reason whatever. It makes me happy when she took time off to spend my 18th birthday with me. It makes me happy, when she sends me random smses full of "I love you"s. It makes me happy, that she asks for my opinion regarding issues and problems in her life. It makes me happy when she says I'm her best friend! It makes me happy, when we have those random chats, be it starbucks or ikea or whatever. Place doesn't matter. It makes me happy, when I make her happy. It makes me happy to see her happy. Megan makes me happy!

It makes me happy, when Alex has a life that he's happy with. (I'm not saying he has no life!) It makes me happy when he invited me over to play his playstation! It makes me happy when he brings me to the Singapore Swimming Club for dinner, pool, swimming, bowling, LAN, etc. OH YA, the JACUZZI! It makes me happy, when he downs that mug of beer, smacks his lips, orders another one and smiles. It makes me happy, when he invites me to share in his life of sitting at al fresco bars listening to live music. It makes me happy when we have long, 5 hour talks in the wee hours of the morning about random stuff, crazy stuff, the stuff of dreams.. It makes me happy when he shares his business plan with me, and tells me the earnings he got from it. It makes me happy when he shares his worries with me, cos he trusts me. It makes me happy when we have those "smash those glass bottles" sessions. It makes me happy when he listens to my whining, picks up my calls when I'm crying like a baby, etc. It makes me happy, when he organises my 18th birthday bash and dinner. (He more or less paid for everything, plus gave me a crumpler from the most expensive range) It makes me happy when he says "You are the blood brother I should have had." It makes me happy, when he asks me out for breakfast on Sunday mornings. It makes me happy when he turns down the air-con cos I'm cold, and throws a sweater/blanket over me. It makes me happy when he cooks me supper. It makes me happy when he recommends good movies that he knows I would like. It makes me happy just to hang out with him. Alex makes me happy!

It makes me happy, when Eugene gives me a call out of the blue, just to talk. It makes me happy when he covers for me when I'm absent from school. It makes me happy, when he recommends good music to me. It makes me happy when he jokes around and lightens up the atmosphere. It makes me happy when we have our "Eh, look! 10 o'clock. How much? eh... 5/10? you? So low! At least got 6/10 la.." It makes me happy when he sacrifices the privileges of the oac room and slacks in the hot stairwell with me. It makes me happy when he talks to me about oac stuff even though I got kicked, cos he knows I'm still interested in the going-ons. It makes me happy when we have a Worms 2 competition on his psp. It makes me happy that he does his best not to get angry with me even though I'm being an ass and deserve to get shredded to bits. It makes me happy that he shares his thoughts on God, religion, home, school, etc. It makes me happy when he tells me, "no matter what, you will always be my brother." It makes me happy, when he introduces me to his friends, like Yen Kheng, Nicholas, (there's one more.. play DOTA wan.. oops, forgot his name ^^'') [his name is Kenneth. Yao reminded me. haha!] It makes me happy, when he asks if I'm okay. It makes me happy, when we run to the bedok jetty in the wee hours of the morning. It makes me happy to just sit by the poolside and talk about random stuff. It makes me happy, that he chiongs down from oac to spend my 18th birthday with me. It makes me happy when he is frank and honest with me. Eugene makes me happy!

It makes me happy, when daddy shades me from the harsh world. It makes me happy, when daddy talks to me like a best friend. It makes me happy when daddy shares with me about his life, his thoughts, his plans for the future. It makes me happy when daddy is supportive of my dreams. It makes me happy cos my daddy is always nice to my friends. It makes me happy when daddy allows Alex to accompany us for lunch and tea on Sundays after church. It makes me happy when daddy helps me with my finances. It makes me happy when I know I can run to daddy whenever I've had a bad day. (he was the only one I could run to after being kicked from oac. I was so sad..) It makes me happy when he brings me around Singapore to see all the places that I would never have seen. It makes me happy when we go on little adventures to explore places for good food. It makes me happy, when daddy never chases me away, never throws his temper at me. It makes me happy when daddy gives me dreams that I have never thought possible before. It makes me happy that he suggested going backpacking at the end of the year in Japan! It makes me happy when he went out for coffee and supper with me when he just got back from over 5 hours of driving home from Malaysia and was damn damn tired. He always pays for everything! omg, feel so bad.. It makes me happy when he calls me to encourage me. It makes me happy when he tells me, "no matter what, I have never ever regretted having you and your sisters in my life." It makes me happy when he randomly calls and says "I love you!" I love him so very, very much! Daddy makes me happy!

It makes me happy when my sisters, Sarah and Samantha, look up to me, do my share of the housework (oops) play with me, endure my madness, tickle me, punch me, joke with me, cry with me, laugh with me, hug me, ask me questions, scream in my ear, cook me food, give me sweets, talk about the boys in class, about music, and say "oyatsumi! oniisama!", "ohaiyo gozaimas!", "nani?", "aishiteru!" It makes me happy when they are happy to see me when I come back from a really crappy day at school. It makes me happy when I can wash their dishes. It makes me happy when I can cook for them. It makes me happy that they are happy! I love them so very much!

The list goes on.. New things will keep being added, it never ends.. I am so very blessed. They have made this life meaningful, bearable, even enjoyable.

Hengsuay? more heng I think. ^^
All of YOU are miracles.

PS:
To those who are not mentioned: sorry!
To Megan: Sorry yours is shorter! I'm sure there are more things than that!

2008-07-08T13:51:00.007+08:00

To be honest...
I feel quite guilty for making those devious innuendoes.
I believe that everyone is a Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde.
I think that this recent darkness belies
that drop or two of decency
that might still linger in the murky depths of her soul.
But I am doubtful as to
the possibility of it ever surfacing
in whatever else interactions with
that jaded, hurt soul.

No,
I don't pretend to understand
someone so bent on being
misunderstood.

Isolation does not cure the wound.
All it does is let
that patch of broken flesh
rot unfettered,
ooze with pus
through the bruised epidermis,
sick yellowish brown,
as gangrene sets in,
purpling,
decaying.

The brave face the pain;
antiseptic dose
of nauseous flame.
The cowardly run from the pain,
try, but pain catches up in the end,
and its death in agony.

I wonder, why Nicole and I can be on talking terms, friends even. I wonder, why I am not jealous of her boyfriend. I wonder, why Megan had to continue reading Eugene Lim's blog. (tell me why, if you know, Megan!) I wonder, why a guy cannot be free to do as he pleases after a breakup. I wonder why, some girls are so vindictive, while some can be so mature as to let the issue rest. I wonder why I can say its my fault that things between me and G became so sour, and really mean it from my heart, whilst others try only to justify themselves. I wonder why I have no urge to visit G's blog.

My opinion is this: Some are just too insecure. They feel a need to be validated. They feel a need to be of significance to their ex. Its an ego thing. Its everyone's fault but their own.

And you don't have to agree with my opinion.

I wonder, at the person who will use my style of "I wonder" and question that person's emotional capacity to face up to that person's own character flaws, and learn to take criticism positively, if not constructively.

"the fool says, why should I take criticism from you?"

and I say, "amazing, you know what criticism is."

2008-07-08T00:33:00.003+08:00

Venus came from sea foam.
She came from vitriol.
The innate difference was
she did not have the divine nature.

Pity the falling star
as it burns in life-giving oxygen.
Its graceful arc belies
the intensity of the anger
of Saint A. who flung it far.
Descend in flames!
Oh wretched body,
condemned from the heavens you abandoned.
Weep your tears of molten iron,
in your very own
Fall from Grace.
Like a fallen angel,
the facadious beauty stripped,
the dark core once hidden,
now exposed.
In anger and shame
it burns.
Wreathed with incoherent flames
that snake insiduously,
it is an interesting,
albeit temporal,
spectacle.

amusing.

2008-07-06T22:15:00.004+08:00

haha, the Pact.
This will be the last (hopefully).
May God give me the strength.

It is amusing when young kids try to imitate adults. And equally amusing when adults behave like little kids. It never ceases to make me laugh. Afterall, age is a very poor indication of maturity. I realised a long time ago, that mom always used terms like, "your problem", "your house", "your car" and especially "your children" whenever she gets mad at dad (which is very frequent btw).

One question: Are they not the woman's too?

My friends always wonder: why does Joshua have such a close, happy relationship with his dad and why does he dislike his mom? Afterall, its dad who's involved in an affair while mom is the victim apparent.

Well, I would say first and foremost, that stereotypes like this are just that, stereotypes. Dad has his reasons for doing what he did. Be they justified or not in the world's eyes or whatever conventional morality you might want to bring up, he did what he believed was the best way forward.

I won't bother explaining my dad's reasons in detail. Suffice to say he had no love for mom and was strongly repulsed by her character. True or not, right or not, its not up to you to decide.

Let me tell you what I was seeing instead. A calm, loving dad towards his kids, always attentive to our problems, took genuine interest in our lives, was willing to put aside the hubris that came with the status of being a parent and became more than a father. He became a friend.

Mom was, and still is, angsty, bad-tempered and downright childish. She is almost always in a negative mood, constantly picking fights, quarrelsome, overbearing, authoritarian, a total "control freak". Didn't bother trying to understand us, but rather enforced her traditional (and outdated) views of parenting. Did I mention that she is entirely irrational and controlled by her emotions? When one cannot control one's emotions, its not wrong. Its weak. She views respect as her right. We must obey because she is the mom. But dad taught us that respect must be gained. Obedience is never truly obedience unless out of love.

Mom says she still loves dad, that she wants to reconcile. But all I see is an overflow of anger, rage, bitterness, hate and angst. Unable to partition her mind, she directs all of it at us children too. Her incessant naggings and scoldings do little to endear us to her. Instead, she pushes everyone away with her horrid behaviour. She does things to hurt dad as much as possible. Is that love? Would you hurt someone you love? Would you threaten someone you love? Would you hurt the people who are dear to the person you love? (eg: dad's parents)

True, mom stays home with us, while we see dad less frequently. But staying home with the kids and spending more time with them does not have any normative value at all. Instead, its the quality and not the quantity that matters. I would rather not spend any time with mom at all. All she does is nag, and try to control what I eat, read, watch, drink, when I sleep, where I go. I can never talk to her about the deep stuff, the stuff I talk to dad, zai, alex and xiu. She is like an emotional sink, draining you of all happiness and joy, casting a shadow over your day.

Are all women like her? I believe not. Only the little girls are, and those are the ones to avoid: the childish, immature, bitchy and dumb ones.

Am I judging my mom? I don't think so. I am not normatively evaluating her. After all,

there is no absolute right and wrong.

Morality is a social construct that the blind masses subscribe to mindlessly. There is only what you like, and what you don't. So if someone does something to displease you, it is only "wrong" to you.

In the case of my mom, I am only saying, I don't like her because of her behaviour and attitude and character. "but..! your dad's in the wrong! your mom's the victim!" Sorry, you don't know the full story.

Convention does not hold with me.

I would say that me and dad, we are the victims of an immature girl in a woman's body.

There is no such thing as "righteous". At least, it is not to be defined by man (or girl). Would you consider the Middle Ages crusader who went around killing Muslims as righteous? He was to his own people. Would you consider the terrorist who blew himself up and killed the surrounding people as righteous? His was to his bunch of religious zealots. So, what is "righteous" to you is not to me, and vice versa.

And on the subject of "rights": its an illusion.

sorry, blame it on me

2008-07-04T22:04:00.005+08:00

Zai recommended this.

Sounds vaguely familiar.

Reminds me of a certain someone.

LOL.

Sorry Blame Me - Akon

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out and apologize for things I have done
And things that have not occurred yet
And the things they don't want to take responsibility for

I'm sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect

I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I am not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there
Because I am in the streets like everyday
Sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I am so proud to call you my girl

[Bridge]
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me

[Chorus]
You can put the blame on me [4x]
Said you can put the blame on me [3x]
You can put the blame on me

Sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
Sorry that you had to go and sell those packs
Just trying to stay busy till you heard from Dad
And you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though Pops treated us like kings

He got a second wife and you didn't agree
He got up and left you there all alone
I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief
I'm sorry that I grew up way too fast
I wish I would've listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry the FEDS came and took me away

[Bridge]
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me

[Chorus]
You can put the blame on me [4x]
Said you can put the blame on me [3x]
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry that it took so long to see
They were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani
I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
For the embarrassment that she felt
Just a little young girl trying to have fun
Her daddy should have never let her out that young!
I'm sorry for Club('s that didn't)/Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underaged
Enter 21 you know the club they say
Why doesn't anybody wanna take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame
Even though the blame's on you [3x]
I'll take that blame from you

And you can put that blame on me [2x]
You can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me

What irony.

2008-07-03T04:17:00.002+08:00

"T'was the night on Christmas Eve, when all was silent."

"and dead."

Cockroaches, no matter how irksome, never fully die out.

Weeds always exist and grow to suck the life out of you.
Pull it out vengefully only to have it grow again.

Jealousy is the parasite of the parasite.

Character assassination is popular among rivals. Especially when the rival is too weak for direct confrontation.

Have you ever wondered, if you are reacting the way the other person wants you to react?

The fool provokes the lion and gets eaten.

The greater fool provokes two lions.

エスポワール:夢の又夢

2008-06-23T06:22:00.016+08:00

Dream within Dreams..

The last brief spell of comforting darkness before the sunshine orange yellow gold of dawn fades in purposefully, haughtily. And already the stife and restlessness of the school term starts, with students beginning the ungodly routine of going to school. Placidly, flaccidly they trudge to class. Obediently, they begin to fill themselves with things they will never ever use in their lives. The certificate is just a passport to a (hopefully) better life. Its afterall, the Singaporean Dream. Wasted years of bereaucracy.

Obediently, I will once again stand at attention to a National Anthem with no meaning for me, recite a pledge for equality that hold no posibility and lie once again as I sing the school song. Subserviently, I will rise and bow to teachers who cannot teach and greet principals and discipline masters who deserve no respect. All of this, the Singaporean Dream. Wonderful hypocrisy.

Soon I will enlist in my compulsory National Service, where I will be used and abused. Maybe, I will die and waste all the "education" I've had for the last 15 years of my life like the recruits who dropped dead straight into the insincerities of "national condolences, but we still must continue with some dying every year." Or maybe, I will die as a national hero (if my country wins) for a war I didn't start, for people I don't care to die for, in a country where I have no voting power because I am a minor who is too minor to vote, but not minor enough and must still go to war and die anyway. We are, afterall, just a tool to achieve some obscure ideology.

But most likely, because statistics tell me so, I will fulfill another portion in the wasted years of bereaucracy, and finally study something that I'll finally use. Get a job, get paid marginally higher than a female in compensation for two wasted years of my time (like time like that can ever be bought) and begin the long slog to pay off an atrociously expensive small house and car when I can get both at a fraction in Australia. Afterall, its the Pay And Pay more country.

When I finally become financially independent, hopefully I still have the capacity to enjoy life after years of overwork, stress and fatigue. Keeping both eyes on inflation and my depreciating bank account, I'm forced to spend within ever smaller means. Get sick, and watch the account black hole into nothing. Sell my house, sell my car and move into an ever smaller room in an ever smaller Home for the Elderly, where I become senile as I wait patiently (or not) to die. If I am lucky, I go in relatively little pain.

Finis.

Of course, the rapture might happen tomorrow and out the window this random speculation goes.

Being honest, I would regret not getting laid, getting my CFS-III Yamaha Grand, learning the violin like Yao wants to, forming a band with Alex, getting Japanese citizenship, marrying someone as pretty as Goto Maki, Ai Takahashi or Reiko Tsuchiya, (a brilliantly beautiful and beautifully brilliant violinist) + (they are all Japanese btw), not being able to attend Ayaka Iida's or Utada Hikaru's or Yui's concerts.. Not ever tasting authentic wagyu or kobe beef *sobs* ...or eating the nice white chocolate cheesecake from Japan again.. Not owning the Sony DSC-W300 and taking all those wonderful pictures on my first trip to Japan (hopefully at the end of the year).

So, its been ever so lovely to indulge in such fantastic dreams. Nicholas, I haven't been very truthful with you. *laughs* Gocchan is beautiful no doubt, but it is what she represents (at least to me) that gives me a certain hope for the future, that makes all these wasted years in a bereaucracy enjoyable. It is this thing called "dreams" and what Eugene knows as "ideals" that sustains the human spirit.

Japan, music, piano, violin, Japan, fabulous food, drinks, HOT CHICKS, Japan, special people, technology, holidays, love, Japan..

All these fuel my bankai.

And at last, I have found my bankai's name.

It is.. エスポワール:夢の又夢

Hope: dream within a dream, beyond one's wildest dreams.

2008-06-21T05:45:00.003+08:00

後藤真希リターソズ! =^^=

余り! x)

Gocchan is back! She's signed on with Avex Trax, under sub-label rhythm zone! I'm so very happy! ^^ Finally, she's free from UpFront Agency.. IYAA! I'm just so overjoyed!

After one year of seclusion due to her brother's crime
(usual japanese way of taking responsibility for family members. seems stupid, but family honour is family honour)
she is finally able to persue her music and her dreams again.

I guess we all knew subconsciously that she was returning, what with the reopening of her blog and her vocal + dance training in Los Angeles.

^^

She has great potential. Hopefully Avex does not screw it up for her. I can't bear it if they create another koda kumi. But that's just my PO. (I like koda's voice, but they market her like some.. slut. I'm sorry if I offended any koda fans x) )

Love

On another note, all idols have an image to maintain, and to a certain extent they craft an image to appeal to a specific fan base. But don't we all have dreams, of ourselves and how others view us?

I guess the idol life is that.

Still, I kinda hate the way the paparazzi tear into the private lives of our stars in an effort to "reveal the truth" and show how they "failed in their responsibility as icons". I can live without that, thanks. We all have flaws. Screw the responsibility. Their　(music idols) only responsibility should be to create music that lasts a lifetime. ^^

or in Avex's case, an image that lasts a lifetime. (with ref to the edit.)

がんばって、後藤ちゃん！

EDIT: I guess its fairly certain that 後藤真希 will be.. sluttified. Because, "avex really has a way of turning its idols into tarted-up, high-dollar hookers," according to one of the international wotas..

Damn you Avex, damn you.

With referral to yao's blog: bankai

2008-06-18T01:36:00.002+08:00

Bankai.
with referrence to zai's blog.

Fuel. What drives a person? Love, lust, hate.
Passion.
All this can be made into resolve.

But there is no one manifestation of resolve,
like there is no one form of bankai.

Some bankais are an explosion of power.
Some, like Ichigo's, increase speed.
Others, like Tousen, disable the oponent.

But let me talk about my bankai.
Actually, it has many forms and levels,
much like Byakuya's.
But the form I love the most,
is the form where I know my oponent so well,
I avoid all its traps
like Kurotsuchi Mayuri,
and crush it
with ease, reckless abandon and pure joy.
Like Grimmjow.

My fuel?
Pure pleasure and beautiful Gocchan.

^^
stress? What stress?

2008-06-17T08:35:00.002+08:00

おはよう！

素晴らし日ですね。

I'm glad Gocchan appears to be doing well.. But I'm just so impatient for her to start her music career again! Its taking so long! *patience~ fufu

^^

I'm sure she can sing well. According to a fan, she has a voice like Ayu, slightly nasal, but really good for ballads. Her ~~recent~~ not so recent (last year, just before she took a hiatus from the industry) single Secret was a beautiful ballad. But the local fans didn't take to well to it. Maybe its because they are used to her more upbeat, provocative songs? Or maybe its 'cos of Yuuki. Argh. What a brother..

Mmm, mayb, she might get real popular like Yui? I guess that depends on whether she can write her own lyrics.. Personally, I think she's better than Koda. ^^

ガンばって！

ahh, better get back to stats! 4 more hours before its time to sleep!

ごめ！
じゃ、また。　＾＾

Mother.

2008-06-14T00:08:00.003+08:00

I just went to HMV @ citylink. Spent a long time being indecisive over getting utada hikaru: HEART STATION or yui: (I can't remember the title.)

yui's more rock while utada's more pop-ish. And I study slightly better with pop. So I got utada in the end. I'll go down and get yui's cd sometime soon though, cos its so damn good too. Why don't I just get both, you ask? Well, I got my da-jie (cousin) her ayumi cd + dvd: mirrocle. haha, so I didn't have enough! zzst. She better appreciate it x) hahahaha

Mom was being her usual pms-y self when she gets back. Pouring her bitchy-ness all over everyone. I decided to give her a dose of her own medicine. Hope she liked it. Not. In the end, she just got madder. She slapped sarah, and I got really, really pissed. I can understand why she's so f-ing mad with everything in her life, like its going out of control and all. But fuck, she is just like pong-pong. (zai, you know what I mean.) Grow up already, woman. You are fifty afterall.

You demand love, respect and obedience, like the generations of parents before you. But hell, in today's society, you can lose all that if you are a total bitch every freaking day. How can we love you, woman, if all you do is order us around like servants, treat us as strangers, and try to control every freaking thing in our life?! There's no need for a step-mother if you are around.

How can we love you, when you make no attempt to build a relationship with us? How can we respect you, when all we say to you is used as verbal weapons to scold us? Your fucking pride will be your downfall. 'Cos there will come a day, when my sisters will break free from you.

Violently. Just like I did.

Mother.

When your life is shattered beyond repair,
and every relationship dissolves in despair,
remember the days when we were still around,
miss those days, when you still had a chance
at respect and love.
But now its too late,
all that's left is hurt and hate.
You told yourself, that we wouldn't be around anyway
horde your money, save up everyday.
Its a self -fulfilling prophecy,
you see.
Your belief guides your actions,
and your actions make your beliefs come true.
So when regret consumes you,
and bitterness is all you have,
with a tear in my eye
for all the good memories that we could have had
if not for your fucking pride,
all I want to say is

I told you so.

J-pop

2008-06-12T23:42:00.002+08:00

Its official: I'm in love with Goto Maki. ^^

(and everything else Japanese of course.)

Had a long talk with Grandma today. She is so wise when it comes to relationships. I have always wondered, why women of my mom's era (and the eras after that) have this immense hubris when it comes to their relationships with their families. Is it because they are working? They are making their own money? Because of female rights groups that tell them they should be strong and adamant and headstrong (like a guy)?

The new woman hates the idea of feminity it seems. Or at least, the feminine that is seen as "weak". Quarrels become more common when two headstrong people live together, with neither willing to back down. Ego, it seems, has gotten into the head of the modern female. Alas, woe to man-kind.

I'm banking my hopes on the last bastion of "soft" feminism: Japan, land of kawaii-ness. haha ^^

2008-06-07T12:56:00.004+08:00

Silk.

My heart is wrenched.
Wretched.

There is no tears enough to fill
such an emotional depth
of this love.

To bleed silently through
the betrayal
and to love
and love.

Despite silent thorns
that pierce
so bitterly through
the heart,

she chose to love,
without requital,
and with that love so selfless,
yet so selfish,

weaving her love
softly, endearingly,
heartbreakingly
beautiful...

silk.

in dedication to the movie: Silk
starring Kiera Knightley, Michael Pitt, Koji Yakusho and Miki Nakatani
special mention: Music by Ryuichi Sakamoto

I was having a chat with Alex outside his house yesterday, and somehow or other, the conversation turned to girls (kinda as usual). And as I was thinking about what the woman of my life would probably be, I realised I didn't know what I wanted at all. We all want the usual, like good character, good looks, et. al. and there is nothing wrong with that. Its good to look for these things, and we all do want them.

But one thing above all, beyond all other precious things we want from our other half is the elusive thing called love. They say love can't be measured, but I say it can. The depth of a person's love for another can be seen in the most simple, yet most difficult choice: The choice to react or respond. To react is human, to respond is love. The thing is, we can force ourselves to respond, but that, is no longer love.

Alex said: love can't be forced. I always thought it meant I can't force others to love me. But I realised it actually means, I can't force myself to love.

爱是不能逼的。

I finally know what I want.
The problem now, is getting what I want.

In the end, as Alex said, "bitterness is like eating poison and hoping the other person dies."

2008-05-31T18:11:00.007+08:00

"When one says one has no choice, one effectively loses control of oneself."

Disclaimer: This is fiction. Any semblance to a real life situation is amazing. Amazingly horrifying.

When she has been wounded and shamed, she gets desperate, desperately grasping at straws to cover the gaping wound. A wound that never heals. Toxic, sick and unhappy, she is unable to find the source of the venom. It courses through her veins, thick, green and ugly. A bright, venomous green. Green.

She doesn't know why, why she feels so bitter. It grasps her in its tight embrace, constricting. Crushing. Every single day. She is so angry. And it eats her up inside. Her heart beats with a rage, crimson blood red. Red.

Even then, she does not realise, that all that pulsating red and green makes her soul decay into a rotting black entity. I think, she's losing her sanity. Forgiveness afterall, is the hardest thing to do. She would rather die.

In the end, as Alex said, "bitterness is like eating poison and hoping the other person dies."

And I said, "what a loser."

The world is quite sad at the way things are turning out. Jane just doesn't want to pull the arrow out. She rather lie in the dust screaming to the rest of the world, "Look at me! Look at me! Ah, it hurts! I'm dying! I'm bleeding to death!" And when the wind blows against the arrow, Jane screams even louder. Simply pull out the arrow Jane, put on a bandage and recover. Then what ever happens from then on, will have no effect whatsoever. But Jane says, "its not that easy! The person that shot me must say sorry to me first! Then only will I pull the arrow out!" Grow up, we plead. Move on, we beg. But then Jane says, "ha! If that's what you want, you are not getting it! I will NOT move on. So there."

Bleed to death then.

2008-05-30T17:47:00.004+08:00

Back from my holiday!

long 5 hour drives are just lovely for contemplating the corkscrew turns of life. Must be an effect of the endless winding roads extending into the horizon.

This journey thought me alot. About myself, and about others. Resolving conflict and managing tensions is not about solving the issue at hand. Not most times anyway. Alot of it is backing off and giving the other party some time to cool. The smart thing to do is to never react to a situation, but respond in a positive way.

"Err on the side of humour." =)

Every relationship has its sore spots and triggerpoint explosions afterall, and learning not to prod them is part and parcel of building up a close, strong and lasting relationship with another person.

And long 5 hour talks with alex in the quiet hours of post-midnight are marvellous too.

"friends are worth more than all the gold and silver in the world to me."

=)

Break the limit. FUN.

2008-05-24T01:14:00.004+08:00

I'll be off in 9 hours for m'sia.
A respite from the general sianed-ness
of Singapore.

Alex,
you sleepyhead! Don't sleep after dinner la. lol! I'll send you and Megan the pics when I get back. Eh, we haven't started the financial game yet..

Eugene,
I understand your busy-ness. Please don't stretch too thin. I believe you can do it! If possible, lets hang out sometime after I get back and June camp is over. Even if its just to mug. lol. You exist.

Megan,
what can I say. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.. Jia you for the competition, and have a safe journey to China! oh and, Leroy's a genius. lol =)

I'll be back on the 29th, with the NS med check on the 30th, friday. Hopefully I would have finished mugging math by then (an insurmountable task). I'm determined to have FUN while studying this hols (another insurmountable task). I'm gonna get an A for math and physics. Chem and K.I. ... maybe not this time.. B? haha (how many insurmountable tasks must I list?!)

heh heh, no choice, I made a promise, so I'll just have to

Ban. Kai.

2008-05-22T11:23:00.002+08:00

I have no idea why I came to school today. Last day of the last week of school. Happiness.

God.
I don't know what to do.
There is so much I want.
But there's one thing I want above all.
Tell me I'm foolish.
I feel.. controlled.
And I hate it.

Sanctus Espiritus,
Redeem me from my Solemn Hour.

Life can only get better from now on.

2008-05-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

Alex asked me if I were being depressively emo. But no, I weren't. Not consciously anyway. I know that I should be happy, excited to be having a day out with two best friends. And I did have a good time.

I felt left out, after the movie. Left out of the one thing that I desire most. Its an emptiness, a longing, a desire. My life is quite messed up. There is no aim, no purpose save that one and only thing I live for. I told you about it, Alex, in the wee hours of Saturday morning. There is that, and nothing else.

One thing you said that pierced through the fog of self-denial:
"You never ever did do anything about it, even though you liked her."

I'm just so very tired of all the stupid excuses I've been giving myself. I've lied to myself long enough. I know you guys mean well, but the loss of certain dreams are still very sore for me. Rake up not the past that has not passed enough.

Be thankful that you have even a friendship with her, Alex. At least you know you have tried. I have none, and will always be haunted by what ifs and countless nights of sleepless regret. I want her friendship, but I have no idea how to get it. None at all. I screwed up all my chances already.

Life can only get better from now on.

x)

2008-05-21T00:37:00.002+08:00

We will keep the truth between us -
if we only try
love will never die.

You ask me,
why I'm hanging around?
Baby, I'll always be your fool.
Why, cos you make me lose my cool.

Its never too late
for you to see
what you mean to me.

"You have stolen my heart" - Dashboard confessional: Stolen

I broke the 20 pull up limit today. x)

K.I. was easy. But still, I screwed it up. x)

told yao i'll be back to watch titans. i didn't. x)

I'm level 77 in cabal as of today. x)

I didn't send the details abt tomorrow's movie to megan and alex until almost 11. x)

mood: x)

lols.

x)

2008-05-16T23:42:00.002+08:00

Hey Xiu, Sophia waved at me outside the esplanade after the vj choir concert. Didn't recognise her at first. LOL ^^''

Quickly, the term has ended. The holidays (full of mugging) draws ever nearer. Can't say how much I'm looking forward to it.

Freelance today was easy. A whole lot of standing around doing nothing. Plus a 3 hour wait for the pay. THAT sucked. Thanks Angel, for being such good company. Without you, I would have been bored to death. About studying together during the hols: only at starbucks. haha!

Just read Yao's recent blog entry. It was about how the last training for year ones came and passed just like that. I don't remember my training days to be so short. Oh well, tricky thing, the perception of time.

I'll be off to M'sia next fri afternon. So I'll miss Mardi Gras. Who wants my ticket?

Poem time (free verse):

I'm thinking of you, dear.
Do you ever think of me,
Far away in elyssium,
A utopia, a heaven,
Where I'll never ever be.
You were always so blessed
With my dreams
And
Gifted with my hopes and desires.
In this dark despair of night
The moonbeam shines for you,
While my last matchstick burns
Out
And I die in the cold
Every Christmas
Eve.

memories

2008-05-14T18:54:00.002+08:00

I was randomly searching for blogs today, and I came across the one I used in my upper secondary years.

The me then is so different from the me now. Its shocking, what I've been through. Heights and depths, confidence to insecurity, unhappiness to joy. My past was so foreign, it felt like a polar opposite. Yet I am unable to deny it. Those words, those emotions..

The cruel twist of nostalgia.

The first post I saw was about vj. And how she made it, but I didn't. I guess, that started me on the dizzying spiral into madness. Depressing, being depressed for such a long while. And no, I still haven't really gotten over it.

Regret. It poisons me still.

Sweet innocence of youth. What a mockery.

to her

2008-05-11T01:16:00.005+08:00

Quietly, softly,
the approach,
so that the heart that hurts
won't hurt so badly again.

Expectations kill.

So without pretense,
in the absence of ulterior motives,
it is simply thus:
Friends.

Nothing more.

In dedication:

Silently, surely and full of grace.
Every movement,
every sway,
an explosion of art
in its purest, truest form:
body language refined,
the world of literature redefined.
No song sweeter than her joy,
in all its natural beauty
as the cascadence of
expression magnifies
from measured adagio
to the sharp allégro,
culminating in a grand sforzando;
grande finale.

SMS

2008-05-10T18:58:00.002+08:00

From an sms to my best friend:

My Best Friend,
whether you regard me as one or not now,
I am very, very sorry for this mess.
I don't have the chat log.
Maybe she does.
But nonetheless,
I have betrayed you.
Unwittingly, but betrayed you still.
I remember that for your friendship,
loyalty is demanded,
and in this instance,
loyalty was found lacking.
Believe me please,
that I meant you no harm..
If ever those cursed words were typed out,
it came from an ill mind.
Still,
I fraternised with your mortal enemy.
Not to scheme against you,
but to find a way to resolve this peacefully.
Yet, I have fraternised with the enemy,
and for that,
I am at fault.
I beg your forgiveness,
though I do not deserve it.

I am truly,
very sorry.

clarification

2008-05-10T18:31:00.003+08:00

right.
if i did use that particular word, it was not meant.
Clarification: He never has, and never is, doing anything of that sort.
so forgive me, or not, if you will,
for this misunderstanding.
rage if you must.
it is at an end now.
if i have written it, then i apologise unreservedly to all parties involved.
it was not intentional.
the only person i'm truly sorry to for this mess,
and it does indeed seem as if i caused it partially,
is my best friend.
I have betrayed you,
unintentionally,
but nevertheless.
I am sorry.
I don't expect forgiveness,
afterall,
expectations kill.
But if there is any chance to make amends,
I will endeavor to do so.
Be it a year,
ten years,
or my whole life time,
I am in your debt,
my best friend,
whether you regard me as one
or not.

As for the other one,
whom I thought was possible to reason with,
to reach peaceful terms,
I give up.
Thanks for using me as your leverage to exact pain
on my best friend.
You turned out to be a raging, uncontrollable, unreasonable, insiduous,
beast.
Am I wrong?
Yes, I probably am.
But afterall,

what I perceive, is reality.
and reality is the way you are right before me.

Why should I not stoop to your level and behave like you?
"because I'm better than you?"

Pity, everlasting,
remains wholely, unreservedly,
for you.
whether you like it or not.

self-vindication

2008-05-10T12:13:00.003+08:00

Self-vindication is a stab in the back. Do so if you wish, but not at my expense. Some things are meant to be kept secret, others to be known, but none for you to assume and twist in misinterpretation for your own agenda. Please do not quote me out of context, especially without my knowledge.

I did think that one should be rationale, could be rationale, and stop this disaster from worsening. I was wrong. Not because you can't, but because you don't want to. You rather cut yourself free. "Is that wrong?" No it isn't, no, not unless your bloody path to freedom lies in the mutilation of everyone who cares, or used to care, about you.

"Your catharsis should never be at the expense of others."

But pride won't let you stop your emotional rampage, not until you have destroyed every bridge and every relationship, friend or otherwise. In the end, the back that you stab is your own. Even if you want to commit the fallacy of ad hominem, please make sure that the "you also" is valid at least.

"Reality is as you make it out to be."

Believe what you will, but know that ultimately it is those beliefs that shape you, or destroy you. Hate, jealousy, pride, all hide the fact that you are one extremely insecure person.

"I pity you."

Its amazing how girls can be so nice and reasonable, sensitive to the feelings of others. More amazing still that they can descend to such depths of rage and insecurity, sensitive to themselves only, so extreme that it is ridiculous. Most amazing in all that chaos is the complete neglect of the mind and all its reason.

I made sam cry again

2008-05-08T19:47:00.002+08:00

I made Samantha cry again.

I wonder why I keep doing that. One moment, we are happy, and the next, stupid things like that have to happen. Invasion of her privacy. One of the many ways I crush her spirit. Over and over again. Thoroughly.
It began innocently enough. Walking into her room, laughing, crapping.. She was writing away in this little book, which I was not interested in, until she hastily closed it and tried to hide it. What happens next? The devil takes over. Curiosity killed the cat. But sometimes, just sometimes, the cat kills the object of curiosity.

I asked her what was so precious about that book (which was mine a long time ago, incidentally.) and she said it was private, personal. Like duh, so I asked what was so personal about it. Family? Boys? And all she deigned to reply was "personal". So I kept on holding the book away from her. She began to tear. Still curiosity (or the devil) held me in its cruel grasp. How easily, the heart turns to stone when its desires are not met, softening only when the sobs started to break through her stoic facade.

Shit.

So it was wake up, or screw up (even more). Wake up then. Did the necessary, hard though it was, and apologised, and returned the book (even harder). The one glimpse in that book will stay with me for a long time. The book's theme was loneliness. Her loneliness.

I guess I made it worse.

vjc dance 2008: [footnotes]

2008-05-04T00:19:00.007+08:00

Megan asked if I was excited.
I couldn't answer.
Yes, no, I don't know.
They are all the wrong answers.

Then why am I there.
To support a friend.
To enjoy an art form.
To understand myself.

to see you, perhaps for the last time.

Alex, sorry for confusing you again.
I confused myself too.

Wistfulness flutters at the thought of what ifs.
But ideals are never realised.
This one's no different too. Sad.

This is probably the last time; the last glimpse.
A closing of a beautiful chapter;
a chapter I returned to for more than a decade.
A chapter that inspires.
A chapter of dreams.

Goodbye, you whom I have never known, goodbye.
Its been so long since I ceased to try,
to say we are friends would be a lie.
Acquaintances, nothing more,
though I might have loved you (or what I thought was you)
once before.
Goodbye, forevermore.

2008-05-02T22:00:00.003+08:00

Silverstein is a new, up-and-coming band. Good harmonising. A little irritated by their screaming. I don't think screamo sounds nice at all. Acquired taste I guess. Still, Silverstein's screamo is at pretty appropriate moments, and thank God the screaming is not the whole song.

On the whole, its a good listen. Dark, emotive and very angsty.

I found two good texts on Accounting in borders. Gonna be spending more time there reading them ^^ lol, cheapskate. Had a starbucks session with xiu today. A think I overtalked. lol. I saw xiu yawning. O.o haha.. I was too, even after a mocha frappe. Geez. Coffee has almost no effect on me. At least not the ones at Starbucks.

I'm tired. Need to sleep.

Soon.

Its not always rainbows and butterflies

2008-04-29T12:05:00.003+08:00

Its not always rainbows and butterflies.

I have no idea how to do my K.I. essay. I have no idea how to do my I.S. Math is a blur. Physics is just rushing by and Chem. Dear, dear chem just grins at me in all its organic beauty.

Thank God for:
Thursday Labour Day - a day to finish up all my overdue work.
Friday Starbucks - to diffuse the tension of the week and cheer me up after I.S. consultation.
Saturday VJ Dance - to convince myself that friends is all that I will ever need.
Sunday Church - where I get my dose of divine intervention.

Then the chaos begins anew.

I hesitate to type the next few lines, deeply aware of the harrowing patterns of past statements. Trend is, the positive thing once stated disappears. Still, i will say it: I'VE CUT DOWN ON CABAL.

There. The urge to play creeps in agian. Joy.

Its almost midweek (grins) and that means the worst is almost over. Almost, because one can't say how this week could twist around. We all hate ironies. It usually results in tragedy.

In a semi-cool computer lab, with so much to do and no will to, one can only console oneself by the (relatively) useless task at hand: blogging. A semblance of work with the comforting clack of the black keys. Mind focused firmly on every letter and word typed forth, never straying to the frightening void desperately waiting to be filled by all I need to know to pass my A levels. Instead, I look up and out the grilled windows and smile at such a beautiful day. Nature, in all its sweltering heat of the Singapore climate, beams back at me with the promise of clear skies and good weather. How wonderful. Still, I am dimly aware of a part of me that wishes it would rain torrentially to suit the dark angst of my psyche.

Maybe it will.

Afterall,
Its not always rainbows and butterflies.

2008-04-27T22:26:00.003+08:00

Its amazing how frost can be transmitted electronically.

Cold.

Then again, sensory (and emotional) perception is just an illusion.
Stay busy or stay cold, it matters not, 'cos I don't really care.

Not anymore.

the lost of a dream is very real;
as real as dreaming is, anyway.

I must stop being afraid of you.

2008-04-24T18:57:00.002+08:00

fictionjunction is very emotive.
especially honoo no tobira.

I seem to have lost a childhood dream.
I have no new ones.
Life is exponentially drawing towards meaningless.

my only joy can be found in music, physical exertion and friends.
Nothing else seems to matter.
Stuck.

I want, but I don't know what I want and when I want.

I, must stop being afraid of you.